What Happens to Relationships After Brain Injury?

Hello,

I know EXACTLY what you're going through....I have a Girlfriend (who I just broke up with again) that wants me to move in with her, but the house is tiny, and I would go spastic there....She's in the medical field and kinda knows what I'm going through, but truly only survivors know how bad it can get...Lack of sleep.Anger issues...Wanting (needing) to be alone (at times) are just a few of the day to day issues that come up....Feel free to send me your thoughts, and good luck..

Best
Robert

Hi
I would love to connect with you. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He had a brain tumour, surgery and coma just over 4 years ago now. I’m looking for more resources or other people that are in the same position as me. I just want to be a better support...

I am 4 months in after tbi and I too fight with my husband about taking my medicine and my medicine is just vitamins and marijuana (like should be fun right!?). I don't wish to but sometimes I truly believe that I must be well and that my husband just doesn't understand me (not true). He's literally had to chase me down and have me take it. But on my good days I know I should be watching myself and making sure Im taking it. And write in my journal. Otherwise I can be hot tempered, confused, overly hyper, down right melt down on the floor and kicking and crying like a 5 year old, or if i get really stressed or scared I have repeated myoclonic seizure, and or focal seizures. I really suggest for the sake of him, you, and your kiddos that he start keeping a journal if he hasn't already. I know writing can be hard after tbi, (hard for me too) but sometimes it can be comforting to read something YOU actually wrote and how you felt, then after a while you and him can start to identify patterns. Whether it be in his feelings,behavior,or schedule. It has helped my identify that i DO need my medicine and that I'm better with it, at least for now. And maybe remind him that he most likely will be able to stop taking it once he's healed up (even if you don't actually think that). Sometimes just being reminded that, YES I am injured but I will HEAL can be very comforting. Also I don't know if your husbands the same way but i know when i get loud or irritable its usually when I'm stressed or scared ( just like anyone) only difference is, tbi survivors often have to learn how to cope again like children. So giving him a quiet space for a while could be beneficial. Remind him your his teammate and your working with him to help him because you love him! Might seem obvious, but its usually not to us tbi survivors. We may need to even hear it multiple times a day. In terms of kiddos, I have a daughter and she has seen me in ways i never wished. And I hate it. Im sure he too feels the same. My husband has to talk with our daughter ,and remind her that mommy may get a little weird, grumpy, or sad for no reason, but that I love her very much and my brain is just a little scrambled right now. Unfortunately tbi affects not only the survivor, but everyone around them. I know its hard, but try to remember your husband literally can't think straight. Him not wanting to take his medicine is probably because of the tbi. Its a vicious cycle but there can be hope! I know all I want is to know is that im loved and that ill be okay. Us survivors are very much still the people you know and love, we are just trapped inside a body with a brain that can't process a whole lot of information at once Sounds,sights,emotions, sensations ect. I wish you and him the best and hopefully a speedy recovery.

Sometimes guilt can get the best of us. He may be feeling guilty, probably conflicted.
How hard for you.

I don't recommend searching for blame. That road only leads to a hole that weakens the individual and they become bitter.

I also don't recommend you pushing her onto him as it could lead to a situation that is bad for both parties. For example, lets say you push her and a meet-up becomes sexual, but then she regrets having that sexual encounter with her ex-fiancé and feels bad about it. If this guy broke up with her she should not entertain ideas of getting back together. He is scum and at that age wasn't really looking for a long term relationship.

I also married my partner, post his TBI. Signed up aware of some of the challenges. But as I grow, change, and age there have been major challenges. I found this post, and your specific reply, in effort to find peace and hope for what is right now. Thanks for your post. XXX

Since this message was in Feb 2019 Not sure if my advice will help. I had a TBI Traumatic brain injury due to a car accident that was not my fault. It was devastating. My personality turned flat, it hard to be funny when your are just trying to get through conversations. My facial expressions were flat too. I hated it. I could hear people talking about me . I had constant pressure in my head like it was the clamped in vice. I was easily overwhelmed in conversations with people. I remember that I just couldn’t take anymore information After a few minutes. I literally would see people’s mouth moving but my brain couldn’t process anymore. My catchphrase was my brain is full. I had trouble following conversations That had more than two or three steps. I was frustrated at times because I didn’t understand how they couldnt understand, lol. I had trouble with three-dimensional vision and colors like red could be overwhelming to me. Going to the grocery store was an odyssey. Too many colors, too many items, to many decisions everything jumped out at me at once. I felt like I was under heavy tranquilizers. The neurologist told me the brain healing would take three months, six months,nine months, year or possibly never before I was completely myself again. That was a very heavy load and every day filled with fear. To recover I couldn’t watch TV read or text or be on my phone. I asked the doctor what I can do and she said go for walks and sit outside. What helped save me was I adopted a dog from the shelter. I had always wanted one. I helped him and he help me. He understood when no one else could and didn’t judge. He is still my bestie. I went back to work after 3 1/2 months but it was terrifying. I knew that I wasn’t the person that I was, I wasn’t as smart or quick on my feet. I almost gave up. As the manager, I felt like an imposter. When will they find out I was faking it? How long can I pretend?
I remember when I felt like myself again, It was a year and one month. I was finally back, but my life has forever changed. I lost those I loved. I lost my fiancé and my three daughters who I loved deeply. We have been together for three years and he broke up with me after three months of TBI. So not only did I have to deal with my TBI, I had to grieve the loss of my family. I don’t blame him, he was afraid, I just wish he hadn’t given up so soon. I’m here now and I am recovered. My advice to anyone injured or the partner is to try to give it at least a year. Find a support group. My neurologist also suggested antidepressants for me. She said it was becoming standard procedure as many people with TBI become depressed. I didn’t take antidepressants because I just hate meds.
Somehow, miraculously, three years later my life is back on track. I am dating someone for 1.5 yrs and I can see my future again and it is bright. There is life after TBI and some people can find their way back to 100% recovery. I wish you luck whatever your decision. Every situation is unique.

I feel your pain I’m too devastated to go into details. M husband of 12 years had a motorcycle accident and now I’m the blame for EVERYTHING. He hates me. We no longer live in the same household. Every single thing isn’t my fault. You’re not alone. I know it’s hard and it’s ok to be weak but don’t stay in that place. It’s hard to mourn the death of someone who is still alive. We will make it through this.

You are strong and knowing when to let others help is a part of that. I love that you also know to lean on GOD. You are an amazing woman and I am blessed to call you friend.

It's encouraging we can share our journey on forums like this. Your story is much like my own, but I am the husband. I am in a place I have never been, dealing with things I have never dealt with. All the things I used to look forward to, I now fear. I don't want a life of solitude in a dimly lit room but the further I get from there the more I can count on dizziness and disconcertion to take hold. I am flat, and grieving what I have lost, I do not relate to my wife where it was once seamless. Stimulation the prevalent force at my child's games, my friend's dinner get togethers, restaurants, church, etc., and I haven't got to skiing, boating, travel, but those too.

I am aware I am different and I too so miss the man that I lost. You can't fake joy, charm, and charisma, nor can you mask pitty and depression, and even if I could I have no energy for it.

So, what's left? A survivor of 3 brain surgeries and an amazing women told me, your work starts after the surgery. I didn't die on that table and I am not going to stay where I am. For me, after getting very low, I suppose my shift is to work toward hope, allow myself to grieve, and find things I am grateful for.

If someday I am better then what can I do today and what should I try? I know things will be hard so I don't expect them to be easy or fun and I will try.

I guess I felt compelled to respond to you, b/c it's nice to know others are dealing with the same problems, maybe we don't have the answers but at least we aren't alone.

Hi. I'm so sorry about your husband's injury and how lonely you are feeling. I want you to know that you are not alone in this. Neither is your husband or anyone else dealing with a brain injury.

My husband suffered a brain injury in 2008 during his last deployment to Iraq. We've been dealing with the ups and downs for 11 1/2 years.

Your story sounds so familiar. Most families and/or spouses don't know how to deal with the after-effects of the injury so they slowly fade into the distance. There are however some of us that stick with it and work hard to figure out a way to get through each day.

I will tell you that I'm impressed and proud of you for reaching out. If you need a safe space to be heard. I will listen.

You commented on my Birthday, which sucked me in to comment.
I, like your husband, am dealing with the results of a TBI. I have changed so much that I can hardly function from day to day. Personality changes is one of my issues as well. My girlfriend reassures me that we will take it day by day and will adjust together as time moves forward. 22 months later, I am worse off, but our love continues to flourish. If you genuinely love this man, Please stay strong for you and him. Try sparking his interest in new creative ways to get his attention, in time he will give you HIS ALL that he can. I pray that you two get through these troubling times. Hold on to your inner strength and good luck.