Harmony Through Caregiving: Finding the Balance and Blend

BrainLine Director Stacey Shade-Ware blogs about life as a veteran caregiver

My name is Stacey Shade-Ware, director of BrainLine, veteran caregiver, mother, daughter, and soprano with the American Military Spouses Choir (AMSC). My husband, Russ, proudly served in the United States Air Force for nearly 25 years. In that time, he deployed more than he’d care to recount, receiving both physical and emotional wounds. We married in 2006, just in time for him to be sent overseas again. Retiring from the military triggered something in him and now we take life one day at a time.

Here I will share what works for us – and what doesn’t. What life is like for those who live with those who served. I will be honest about what keeps us going and what is overwhelming. I hope to share a little hope and reminder that you are not alone on your journey of healing. You may have heard, “It’s okay to not be okay.” Well, that goes for caregivers too.

I live near Washington D.C. with my husband, our two daughters, my parents, two dogs, and our rescued ten-foot boa constrictor named Bubbles. I am also an avid crafter and enjoy baking and sewing… when I can find the time. Learn more about Stacey >

The Latest from Stacey

Predatory Practices Against Vulnerable Populations

A shadowy person in a hoodie sitting at a table with a handful of cash

Predatory practices are common around military bases. Young servicemembers and those in transition — either moving from base to base or preparing to separate or retire from active service — are easy targets. As soon as you pass the gates off base, you see “Pay Day Loans!” and “Buy Now! Pay Later!” Like servicemembers, veterans are also targets.

Nightmares and PTSD: A Military Spouse Relives Deployment Stress

Stacey, holding a large "Welcome Home" sign, hugs Russ, in uniform, at the airport

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I had what I would call a deployment nightmare. I awoke to a cold sweat and heart palpitations.

“No” Is Not a Bad Word! The Art of Using Boundaries as Self-Care

The Power of No, No is self-care, No is a complete sentence, No is empowering, No is not a bad word

Creating boundaries can feel awkward or wrong when you first start setting them. You might even get pushback if you haven’t done it before. But don’t stop.

Focusing on PTSD Glimmers — Not Triggers — During the Holidays

Stacey, Russ, and their daughters smiling in front of a giant ice sculpture of Rudolph the Red Nose

What are glimmers and what do they have to do with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)?

Growth and Change Through Trauma with Gratitude and Connection

A man watches two girls play a VR motorcycle video game in an arcade

The holiday season is upon us and that means family time and reflection. But this year just feels off. I’m not sure if it’s the change of seasons, the upcoming holidays, our added pressures at work, or just the stress of everything going on in the world, but my husband, Russ, and I have both been stressed.

Dressing Up for Halloween is Not Just for Kids – The Healing Fun of Renaissance Festivals

U.S. Air Force veteran Russ Ware as a royal guard at the Renaissance Festival

At the end of the day, I don’t really care why playing a role at the Renaissance Festival alleviates some of my husband, Russ's symptoms of PTSD, I am just glad it does!

“Stay on target!” When the Slightest Change Causes Huge Explosions Thanks to PTSD

Russ building a Star Wars Lego set wearing a Star Wars shirt

Triggers are weird. A seemingly innocuous thing happens or there is a tiny deviation from routine and you or your loved one loses it. From the outside, it seems like a total overreaction but for the person who has been triggered, it is a fight-or-flight response.

The Repetitive Trauma of Being Othered

A rainbow Gay Pride flag painted on a brick wall

I need to be more open about who I am. All of me. I cannot be afraid. I won’t hide anymore. Now, I will be my true self. And I’m ready to stand with anyone else who feels the same.

Grief and Triggers – Talking About Death with Friends and Strangers

Russ, Stacey, and Elizabeth dressed as pirates

This month has been a whirlwind of pain, triggers, and generally not great behavior from both Russ and myself. Our eldest daughter, Elizabeth Shade-Ware, died unexpectedly in her sleep. Suffice it to say, I am a wreck...

The Difficulties of Parenting with PTSD/TBI or How to Train Your Dragon

Russ in armor riding an inflatable dragon

Sometimes it feels like I am a single parent. That breaks my heart to say because my husband really is a fantastic parent as long as he’s not triggered or having a chronic pain flare-up.

What’s in a Name? That Which We Call a Caregiver Still Counts ...

When does the name “caregiver” matter? In my case, when you are trying to get services and care for your spouse and yourself.

Finding my Motivation, Holiday Edition

An Ugly Bedazzled Unicorn Holiday Sweater

But this is how I’ve been feeling about the holidays this year. I just don’t want to. There is so much going on at home, at work, and in the world, and it’s all weighing heavily on my mind. There is just too much!

The Curse of an Attitude of Gratitude

Thanksgiving is a uniquely American tradition that includes feasting and sharing all for which we are grateful. But this year, I’m just not feeling it. There’s too much weighing heavily on my mind.

I Almost Died Giving Birth: How I Process My Maternal Trauma

Stacey wearing a pink hospital gown holding her baby bump

I almost died giving birth. I don’t talk about it much because I didn’t die. I am here. Baby just turned 6 and her little sister is 4. They are thick as thieves and their dad and I are over the moon. But I almost died.

Suicide Is Not a Bad Word … Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About Suicidal Ideation

A yard sign reading "Your Life Matters" with a teal and purple Suicide Prevention ribbon

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. If you are military-connected then you know the 22-veterans-a-day average. You’ve seen the blue ribbons plastered everywhere on base/post. If you are a veteran or caregiver, you’ve seen similar posters at the VA. You’ve probably gone to an annual suicide prevention training or two. You know the signs, you know what to look for and what to do if you are worried about someone’s safety. But nothing can truly prepare you for when it happens.

Hurting Physically from Emotional Pain

Illustration of a woman with a pained expression rubs her neck

The more I start to recognize what I am feeling — both physically and emotionally — the more I can speak up for myself, and advocate for what I need. It is not easy, and not something that everyone wants to hear, but I need to care for myself, too.

Building Your Caregiving XP: The Importance of Recharging Your Batteries

A woman sleeping with cord connecting her head to a battery icon with lights indicating charging

“You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

If music soothes the savage breast, then why is it always heavy metal for those living with PTSD?

Russ wearing an electric guitar, holding up rock-n-roll horns, backstage at a Linkin Park rock conce

It’s not always heavy metal or even hard rock, but it is usually very loud, with a driving beat. Why? What is it about that thumping bass that veterans, at least in our circle of friends, seem to love blasting at top volume? Is it their battle cry?

Military Appreciation, Mental Health Awareness, PTSD, Trauma, and Me

Stacey and Russ resting at the beach, smiling at the camera

I have been speaking with veterans and military family members for BrainLine’s Veteran Voices series. They tell us their stories in an attempt to help anyone who might be experiencing issues with PTSD/TBI. Working with BrainLine has also made me realize just how much trauma occurs both during military service and before.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Medication

Two prescription pill bottles ride a downward slope of a rollercoaster

I enjoy watching my husband cry. That sounds so much worse than what I really mean. He’s been on various medications for his PTSD some of which cause emotional blunting — not being able to laugh or cry when appropriate.

March Is Brain Injury Awareness Month, But What Does That Mean?

If you are anything like me, when you or your loved one are first given a diagnosis, you research. There is so much information available online, it can be overwhelming or frustrating to know which is accurate, but I find research helpful in being able to report or advocate to doctors for both myself and my loved ones.

Self-Care Through Singing: Trauma, Resilience, and Representation in Musicals

Stacey Shade-Ware smiles at the camera with music stands, a microphone, and others in the background

I will admit when I first watched Encanto I was not terribly impressed, though the songs in Miranda’s signature style are quite catchy. I have two little girls, 3 and 5, and for those of you with children or grandchildren, you know that they must watch something like Encanto again and again and again. So, suffice it to say, I had the opportunity to really listen and pay attention to the story more than once.

New Year! New Me? Ha! Not with PTSD

Russ Ware (left) and Grandpa Russ Ware (right) in an antique car museum

In the past, Russ and I would celebrate across oceans and time zones, sometimes a half hour off. Yes, really. Afghanistan is nine-and-a-half hours ahead of the east coast, 10-and-a-half from Texas. It was wild trying to sync up schedules but I would never turn down a 3AM-my-time video chat. I am grateful we don’t have to contend with that any longer. But Russ being home hasn’t made the transition from 2021 to 2022 any easier.

Finding Community and Support in the Weirdest Places

Stacey Shade-Ware, in The Orville admiral cosplay, smiling at the camera

Relationships after a life-altering injury or diagnosis is, well, weird. Some people will stand by you no matter what. Hold on to them and let them know, often, how grateful you are that they are in your life. Others, even family—no, especially family—are not so loyal.