What Happens to Relationships After Brain Injury?

Greetings,
[TRIGGERING]

2 months ago my husband walked into the bedroom and shot himself in the head. Six years ago he was in an accident and suffered a TBI. He went from being a successful businessman to being on disability and having seizures. He had to learn how to read, write, walk, etc. again. He lost most of his friends, his fiance left him and that's where I came in.

I had known him for years prior and even had dated him pre-TBI. We fell in love. Yes, he was different, he was actually a softer more sensitive person than he was pre-TBI. But BUT it waxed and waned. Huge mood swings, ideations, violent seizures, obsessive lying, even stealing - the dishonesty was the difficult part for me but I learned to choose my battles.

We had come so far, HE had come so far. I helped him with his diet, taught him meditation, the list goes on. His seizures reduced massively, and his moods weren't as erratic. We had been engaged since 2014 and considered ourselves husband and wife. I had faith in him. His ex-wife withheld the children from him often, something she has done since the divorce pre-TBI. She was constantly creating dissension in his/our lives. Long LONG story short he hadn't seen or spoken to his kids in 8 months and had been sleeping A LOT! He would often say, "if I ever lost my kids id kill myself." He said he survived the accident and was on this earth because of the love he had for his kids.

A week before his suicide we had gone to his dr. regarding the sleeping, and quite a bit of other concerns. I was worried. I saw signs of depression but never saw signs he would do what he did in the end with me right in the other room. He awoke that morning happy, we had made our reservations for our trip, he hugged me and said he wasn't going to sleep his life away anymore, that we had a life to live together and that he wasn't going to allow what the ex-wife was doing to him to get him down anymore. Later that day he went to the dr.'s to have his VNS adjusted and he came home a different man. I was worried he was going to have a seizure. Maybe he did -- and it created him to kill himself. When things (so I thought) were good.

Since his death I keep finding out from others - that he was stealing, pawning, using pills, and who knows what else. I'm not a naive person and to find out all of this after his death...it feels like I didn't know him. I knew he had these issues but not to that extent. I know he had frontal lobe damage and many other areas of the brain. Impulsivity was a huge issue for him. I just wish I knew if in the end it was an impulsive act, an ideation type of seizure, or what! It doesn't make sense but then it does.

I was in a house fire 18 years ago and hit my head on the neighbor's house as I tried to escape. I lost both my wife and son in the fire. I then had a few grand mals and a tia due to the severity of the stress.

I am now married and have a wife and 2 beautiful children. My wife has been talking about separation. She says she is exhausted. I sometimes have a temper or say certain things in the wrong place. I have already lost a lot and wonder why I still have to lose more. I am trying to improve. I am seeing a psychiatrist, getting a few tools, losing all negativity in my life, being more positive... but every once in awhile it shines through and "boom" my life is hanging by a thread again. I have very few friends but the two that I do have are amazing. I still sometimes feel alone. Do I talk now? Should I say this here...? It's hard but I believe I can improve somewhat but I do miss the old me.

I am so tired of being compared to a women I don't know, the old me. I have all her old memories, her husband and friends. They all keep knocking on my door and when I answer it they are looking for her, not me. They tell me in polite ways, like "your doing a great job with recovery" "your 60% 70% 80% back to normal." I interpret this is I am not whole, a percent of me is missing and I don't have a clue what I lost or how to attain it, and yet everyone around can see the deficit. I don't want the old me to return, I don't know her. I am sorry she died. To be in a relationship with me, we will need to be reintroduced I am NOT the person you knew before the accident and the person you knew will not return. Yes I look like her, yes I have her memories, but now I am just different. To stay married my husband has to get to know the new me and how my brain now functions. Yes I use to be able to multi task, cook a big dinner, be on time, remember to charge my phone, drive, "think clearly," and was less prone to arguments caused by "small" stress. Well I am not that person anymore. If I am overwhelmed I will need some quiet time, Don't plan on me cooking thanksgiving dinner unless you want it all burned or half thawed hiding in the microwave. The functional tasks are easy for me to see the differences, after all we share the same memories. The personality differences are what always confuse me. When my husband tells me, "before your accident xyz didn't bother you." Stop the comparisons! Just apologize and say, sorry lets make this right. Give me time to think, this is a big one. My brain has slowed down, I can feel that. Too many questions/stress at once and I am overwhelmed. I can't help it that I don't respond, my brain shuts down and my thoughts drift to some sort of meditative emptiness. Were you talking? Shit, forgot to listen again, I often muttered to myself. Don't get angry with me when this happens. Try communicating in a different way such as a note I have the chance to read over and over again to process before I am expected to answer. Don't expect me to be the old person and be pissed when I don't immediately respond or forgot to listen. Ask me for clarification before you get frustrated. I will just stair at you blankly and feel even more removed. I will feel like running away and starting a new life, where the old me isn't expected. The old me and new are similar, so similar that you may often get us confused. Be careful of this fallacy, it only brings sorrow to me. I too have a deep sense of loss at loosing my old self, I wish I knew her, I guess some days I wish I was her. She graduated from college with honors, was happy go lucky, athletic, able to run businesses and manage stress like a champ. The new me falls short, and deep down I know it. But I cannot change it, so acceptance is mandatory. My dreams have had to change, my days have changed, the amount of overwhelmed I feel on a daily basis can be horrible and the fear of the uncontrolled seizures coming back if I do the slightest thing wrong, well that just makes me want to cry. I was an athlete. I still have all her responsibilities, although she took a lot on and a lot of days I feel ill-equipped. Really how did she juggle everything? I just don't seem to have the capacity. Well enough about me and my pre-injury self. Good luck to those in recovery and those who support them. I hope you find the ability to open your heart to the new person whom you share so many memories with.

I am saddened by reading this post and yet, comforted in knowing I am not alone. My husband became ill with bacterial meningitis in 2014. He was in a medically induced coma on life support for 2 weeks. When he woke, he did not know who he was and he knew I was his wife, but was unable to feel connected emotionally to the world or me (we were married only four months when he fell ill). As a result of this illness, he has frontal lobe brain damage. He also suffered a TBI when he was 19 in an auto accident. It has been a long journey in his ongoing recovery. The calm, confident man I married gone. Three years in and doing better, this May he was hit by a small truck while crossing in the middle of a crosswalk. He suffered a serious injury to his left arm which required three major surgeries in one week. He is in a great deal of pain, going to PT, and trying to heal yet once again. I have learned ways to diffuse confrontations through counseling. He just recently started counseling, too. But, I am human. I don't always do or say the perfect thing. His ability to control his anger when a stressful scenario arises is compromised. He had been doing very well considering the pain and meds he was taking and I think I was falling for the idea his brain injury was healing. I was shockingly reminded that is not true as we were presented with a high-stress situation recently (brought to us by his family who still do not understand his limitations). He became angry, throwing things, yelling, threatening. Someone called the police and they arrived. I was so upset I was unable to preface my questioning with "he has a brain injury". He broke things that were mine. And a day later I was still finding things that had been broken-which made me so upset. I don't think it's the things, but the reality and my hopes that were destroyed. He has a brain injury and this is the new normal. I can't protect him from the stressors of life 100%. I do believe getting a fresh start somewhere else may help as his therapist suggested it helps many people with brain injuries, but the reality is he has a brain injury that affects his ability to control emotions. Here or wherever we go. I miss the man I fell madly in love with. I'm still grieving that loss. I want to move forward, but I'm stuck. I love him deeply. I can't imagine leaving but at the same time I don't know if I can cope with his angry outbursts which seem to be reserved for me. My heart is breaking, again and again.

I've known my boyfriend for over 11 years now. We were friends and coworkers long before we became intimate. Five years ago, he moved in with me. We spent pretty much every day together, we were happy and beginning to our retirement plans.

About five months ago, early in the morning he began exhibiting signs of a stroke. I got him to the hospital in less than fifteen minutes. After a few hours, he was transferred to another hospital in a different town. Although he was coherent, his speech was a bit slurred and he couldn't use his right arm. But, he was alive and in good spirits and he often behaved as though it was just a minor setback. This is a man who'd only had the flu once in the years since I'd known him. Very healthy for his age.

The day after his stroke, his son and brother convinced him I'm nothing more than a manipulative gold digger and since I don't have a "job" he'd be better off without me. (I work at home and made almost as much as him without even getting off the couch). "Bob" (I'll call him that for now), doesn't have a lot in common with his family. He's always been warm, inviting, giving. My kids liked him, my grandkids adored him and were incredibly close to Bob. On the other hand, Bob's family is cold and not very friendly, so we never spent much time around them. They were too depressing/stressful so we had most holidays with my family.

Well, after a week in the hospital, on the day of his release, Bob text me and said he was going to live at his son's house until he recovers and there was no need to pick him up.

I didn't hear from him for over two weeks. I finally couldn't take it anymore and reached out to him, he came over (Yes, he was driiving already) and I drove him to the store to pick up some essentials. On the way there, his son called and threatened to kick him out of his house if he came to see me again. I later learned from Bob, that he had a huge fight with his son that night over me and it set him back a good bit. But, it didn't matter. The kid couldn't stand him being in his home and forced him into an apartment shortly after. Their promises of paying for his medicines, driving him to therapy, none of it came through and Bob was stuck. I reached out to him again and learned he'd been forced to go back to work three weeks after his release. He wasn't ready by any means, but his son left him no choice.

I began checking up on Bob every night and every morning via phone and learned that the poor man had been living off of peanut butter sandwiches. I was furious! I began cooking him heart healthy meals and stocked him up. Communication between was seemed to be improving but every few days, he'd go off about something and it was all my fault. All I wanted was to help him get better/healthier and to figure out WHY all this happened. It made no sense to me. Everything that had gone on with him leaving was so uncharacteristic that nobody could believe it. But, we were communicating still. Then, two weeks ago, he flipped out because my son (teen) wanted to take breakfast to his dad's house for father's day and basically told me to drop dead and has nothing more to say to me. I've literally stood less than a foot away from him in a check out line twice now and he refuses to even acknowledge my existence. It's incredibly painful to go through, but it's a small town and we have limited options here.

I don't understand anything that's gone on. This was my friend. The man who put me back together after my divorce is now a stranger. Some of the people that work for him have complained to me about how mean he's become and they don't know what to do about it. I've explained to them to not take it personally, it's the stroke that's caused it. Even though this man has basically had a miracle come back (no limp, about 80% usage of hand is back, words only slur when he's tired/hungry), he's not the same person I've known over the years.

I don't know if he's angry because it happened to him and not me, if he stopped loving me before the stroke and never said anything. I just don't know and think I may never know. It's hard to reconcile the fact that this silent thing can strike at any time and just decimate everyone's lives in a matter of moments.

Sorry for the long post. This is actually the first time I've ever posted publicly before and I just want to get this all off my chest. Maybe it will help someone, maybe it will help me to heal. Take care everyone.

I'm 65 yrs. old and have a battle of my own, had one before and have it now, nothing ever goes away treat life greatly and the battle continues oh well I'm surrounded by loved ones can't get better than that perspective

I get you. I know this sucks but it helps me to seriously focus on not taking it personal. I know I'm a great woman. I know the truth. And I know what I've done even if he can't remember me being there . I have to submit to the fact that it might not change. I have to submit to the fact That I'm good enough and I love him until the end of time . I strongly believe that we will see each other after the new system and that he will be healed . And that I am doing Gods work and appreciating God for sending him in my life . I do believe he put a partner in my life . I will do everything for him to honor God as I try to do for my kiddos. And I will do everything I can to improve on the life he deserves & was granted by a God. I think we have to get strong enough in our own self-esteem to know that we contribution to another human being in such an epic way & We roll model Jesus is love for everybody . May you find comfort in that beautiful hope . Ranee

I've been going thru the same thing. My husband had a bad accident August 22 of 2016. He had his bone flap replaced November 8th of 2016. During his coma he had a stroke which was unnoticed because of the paraletics he was on. He will get better once he gets his bone flap back on his speech will get better and his anger. It does take time my husband still has good days and bad. I'm just lucky he is still alive. Be aware your boyfriend might start having seizures. My husband suffers from epilepsy now. You're not alone and read up. Most people get divorced after a TBI. Our loved ones are never the same. However I will not be added to that percentage rate. God will see us all thru. Xoxo

I can relate. The not-so-funny thing is, the girl that I thought was my best friend was in a car accident a decade ago and we had similar struggles but since she got a lot of help in recovery she seemed to have little empathy because I've had to struggle on my own after I had a stroke shortly after I was born almost 50 years ago. So it's hard to socialize, I'm shy, self conscious, and I often get criticized or berated if I say something "wrong" so I've learned to talk less. Now I live alone. The only person who talked to me was the store clerk who told me how much the merchandise was that I was buying. No friends. Nobody happy to see me. Nobody cares if I come or go. And yet, I'm told if I reach out, that is "seeking attention" and is therefore wrong. 

On thanksgiving of 2016 my boyfriend of 8 yrs (whom i have a 3yr old son with) got into an accident while riding a dirt bike. A woman crashed into him causing him to fly over his bike and land face forward. For a month he was in a coma with life support. I was there by his side every day through the night, on days off work and even on work days I was there before and after work. I would eat at the hospital and come home in time to put our son to bed. I saw his first twitches, felt his hand squeeze mines, saw when he first opened his eyes, cried and tried to communicate....I was there! It was a unique connection we had. He was transferred to a rehab 2 hours away from were we lived. I would go alone, with his mom, and with our son on certain occasions. I was there on Christmas, and New Years Eve. He was getting better and I was hopeful. I was his personal cheerleader. When he wanted to talk on the phone it was my number he called. I would call 3 to 4 times a day. He came home and everything was great for the first couple of days. Three days ago he started acting like he hates me. Everything I say or do is wrong. I feel rejected. I talk to his mom and she said I have to excuse him, that it's the injury, and his brain is like a baby right now but I feel like that is not the case. Everyone in his family walks on eggshells around him now. His sister who I tried to get clarity from says he is different now and she explained more but within that conversation one thing resonates that she told me, only two things set him off strangers and me. When she said that I felt like shit. I felt like running and screaming. I was talking with her when my other line beeped and it was him I was one block away and rushed home, got in and answered. He was mad, He claimed I cheat on him while I work and that I let my job come between me, him, and our son. Because I leave my son home with my parents he gets angry. He forgets that I need money for our son and constantly accuses me of cheating. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But I love this man with every cell and molecule in me. He gets surgery again in a couple weeks to replace a piece of skull that is missing. As of now he wears a helmet. I don't know what to do. He constantly says that I should be so lucky he is with me and that I lost a good man and that he will find another. But his mom told me to disregard that remark. Can someone help me please? I feel like everything I did counted for nothing.

My boyfriend of 5 years lies in icu after a car accident on 9th December 2016. At the accident scene the police gave me his belongings and I found out he had a secret cellphone. I went through it only to discover he has been cheating on me with 3 women. He was on his way to see one of them according to phone records and the place he was found at. I come here to see what I may have to deal with when he wakes up, I'm scared that he won't be himself, I'm angry at him. I don't want to abandon him because I still love him. We have a daughter together, I want him to be better for her too. But with his betrayal and the anger I sometimes feel towards him I wonder if I'll make it through to the other side of him living with TBI. I need a story of a miracle. Please share somebody.

On Sep 21st, 2016 10:24pm somebody (anon) wrote: 'each day is a choice. We can spend it feeling angry, hopeless or decide to bring hope to someone else...'

Maybe they are lucky enough/not injured enough (have enough help) that they CAN choose every day = all sorts of choices. Lucky them.

Some of us CAN'T and I'm very sick of people blaming ME. TOTALLY unfair and WRONG.

Today I'm in so much pain, exhausted, cold (10 C when I got up in 'home'), my teeth hurt (no dentist), my eyes hurt (opthalmo/neuros refuse to help), my neck feels TERRIBLE pain and my lumbar (now totally flat so squishing nerves to legs = numb & more muscle loss), still living out of boxes (been moved on so often), place a mess & dirty chaos. No cooker, told to write letters ad infinitum, threatened with expulsion/homelessness... a CHOICE to feel bad? Get REAL. Go bully somebody else.

Go preach to people who DO make bad choices, don't judge us without KNOWING our circumstances. How DARE you judge things you clearly know nothing about?

Life sucks. Since I fell off a roof in  2001 and spent 6 weeks in a coma, people have done whatever they can do to rip me off, screw me over, cheat on, stab in the back, etc.. People are the worst thing on this planet and I have to find reasons to still want to be here every single day. Relationships are a yeah right.

“The dynamics of our relationship had entirely changed…our lives turned upside down and things would never be quite the same again.”
from www.traumaticbraininjurytbi.wordpress.com www.headbraininjury.wordpress.com

I have been truly blessed to have the waiting rooms in the hospital taken over by friends and family... Now I am almost 2 years out on the road of recovery and the kind and closeness carries on! For those in need of closer friendships and family members, be honest, tell them how you truly feel!

I survived a brain injury and I realize I'm considered "lucky" but it really doesn't seem that way the majority of the time. I've managed to find two extremely amazing women. And I somehow ruined both relationships. Along with all others whether romantic, friends, even most family. And the family that I do see a few times a month. I've tried talking to them and they just don't say anything back. I get made fun of because I never get anything that everyone else always does. Some of them point out loudly and publicly how consistently I do that. Basically saying I'm dumb. And maybe I am but it's not fun to ever go anywhere because of it and when I do I don't want to talk. My last girlfriend (I really loved her a lot) she made me feel that way constantly. That took my insecurity about it to a new level! I think she only stayed as long as she did because I spoiled her a lot. But that changed me again. I feel like I could never possibly be someone anyone could ever love. And that's hard to deal with. Really really REALLY hard to deal with. I also have got to the point I don't know how to be me again. My memory is gone. I barely remember any of my own past. When I'm in a situation I feel like I could be me it's like there's something invisible holding me back and I don't seize the moment. Always alone no matter what. It sucks! On the bright side I'm an artist in everything I do. Initially I lost a lot of talent but through a lot of loneliness I've honed & expanded my skills! I own a barbershop now, a salon, two rentals, and a house I'm trying to flip now. Also got into chainsaw carving. I love it. Almost gutted myself in the early stages but I'm a lot better now. Still have the scare though lol. So I do better financially now, but I suffer intensely in about every other way. I like to imagine I'll meet someone amazing that is ok with me being dumb, and doesn't make me feel alone. This is gonna have to happen with me never going anywhere other than work, and the funniest part is I'm a barber lol. So I don't meet many single women in that field of work. So I guess ya just gotta accept solitude and try to embrace it however you can.

You have my kind regards. I am also a brain injury survivor and have had a few bumps throughout my journey of life. I had a brain injury when I was 15 I was assaulted and I am currently 19. Nevertheless I have managed to pull through and still seem to face similar problems concerning my communication with everyone around although I have managed to overcome those problems. There were times when my friends didn't pay attention to me and I was disregarded by them leaving me lonely at school on top of the fact that I went one year back due to failing my exams. This was worsened by the fact that I was bullied and also by the fact that I was a year back and could see the progress of my friends without me. I have now overcome these problems thank Allah as I am a Muslim. Although I have managed to be much more popular and more socially involved I still face problems keeping in contact with newly made acquaintances. Some people don't recognize that I have a problem and regard me as an intelligent person although I do get people avoiding me. I do believe I act a little too serious and find it difficult to break ice with new friends especially when alone with one person. I can easily be funny and joke but that depends on who I am with. I still have a long way to go , although it seems like just arrived from a long voyage. I guess I need to set sail again and this time need to be more prepared for storms ahead as well as have sunscreen if it will be sunny in the sea. Anyway I wish you the best and just advice your husband to get out of his comfort zone and find something to do in his life.

My significant other had a TBI in 2012 and at first it did not seem to have changed much about him other than he was slower and his memory was not good. He was still able to communicate, bath, dress himself and feed himself. He would laugh and talk, read, watch t.v., walk and work out,  just as before. He still had his sense of humor, (which is what I fell in love with in the first place) and his loving heart. He was no longer able to work, due to the severe memory issues, which was vital to his job. He still made me feel like a queen with his kind words and his loving gestures. I married him in 2013 because I still loved him just as I did prior to the TBI and while there were obvious differences, those obstacles did not seem to be so huge at the time, but in the last 3 1/2 years things have really changed. His entire family, has more or less disowned him and there are NO friends left. He has not even seen his grown children since 2013 (no, they do not care for me). Even his mom and dad have not talked to him in over a year. He has pretty much forgot them all now, which is not what I wanted, but I am too busy taking care of him too try and force a relationship between all of them. He no longer puts forth any effort to make himself better and all my attempts at bringing in outside help has done nothing for him because he will not try.  My friends do not understand the situation, although "they are sorry for me."  They think I should have never married him and they may be right, but tell that to my heart. My husband is pretty much gone now, he no longer talks to me, there is NO physical relationship and I just roam around the house while he sleeps. His day consist of eating, sleeping and reading. He says maybe 10 words to me in a days time and that is typically, " when are we going to eat"? and "I am going to bed"! I am blessed to still be able to work,  due to the fact that I am self employed and able to run my own hours. One of my disabled family members stays with him while I am out, we trade out sitting with him for room and board. In some ways I am lucky that I have the freedom to work and I know this but even that is suffering because my home life is on my mind constantly.  Here is my dilemma. My husband acts like he could care less if I am here or not as long as he is fed, and while he tells me he loves me, there is nothing to back it up and as humans we need that connection. When I ask him to share his thoughts or his feelings he looks at me like I have lost my mind, when all I want is communication. I asked him today to share one memory with me, any memory,  and he did not know what the word "memory" meant. When I explained it to him he told me he remembered marrying me and actually told me where we got married at. That is a big deal that he could remember this, so how could I even be thinking of giving up on us? I do not think family and friends realize that when they walk away, they take so much more from the TBI member than the brain injury itself does. Socialization is everything to some of them).  Walking out alienates and isolates these individuals and the effect this has on the self worth that the person with the TBI has is felt clear to their soul and it makes them feel unimportant and they give up. I have to fight daily to keep from getting sucked into his world of just existing and it is hard to not just give up myself.  There is no joy, excitement, very little laughter and no hope of a happier tomorrow. I do not mean for this to be doom and gloom but just stating the facts of how hard this is and very confusing, as to the right thing to do for both of us. I feel like he would not even remember me in a matter of a month if I was to place him in a facility,  but when I checked them out they are downright depressing and I cannot imagine placing him in that environment. He has been through and lost enough already but do I sacrifice my sanity for his benefit of staying home? We really need some better options out there. I thank God every day for my son and a couple of friends I do have left and I thank my brother for his support but I just do not know how far I let this take me down before I admit defeat.