Healing Your Marriage After Brain Injury

My husband had a stroke after having sinus surgery. The hospital was able to give him the drug to stop damages but he had another stroke the next day and couldn’t be given another dose that soon. He has had brain surgery to help with swelling and he lived! He has no movement on his right arm, very little on his right leg and he can not speak. I know He feels like he’s in prison and so do I. I love Him so much but He doesn’t recognize me as a wife anymore. I’m his caregiver and I work two jobs to make it. He can take care of small things at home to care for himself with preparation from me. I come home at break for his morning pills and breakfast and set up an easy lunch. I get off early to check up on him, keep him on camera and have a phone for him to call me if he needs something. I work my second job a few days a week and make dinner and do most of the chores. Once in a while he’ll dump small trash cans and put dishes in the dish washer. Comb his hair and brush his teeth but mostly he sits around the house or sleeps. He doesn’t read or watch tv much. He won’t go to Thearpy or work on getting better or try to get a language we can use to communicate with. I feel so alone. We have no family support and I miss his smile, laugh, and sense of humor. He was the awesomeness of all husband and he’s gone now. How do you deal with life stuck in the in between? He alive and I’m very grateful but he’s not either. You can’t plan or move on or see any improvement. Just stuck in the in between. I’m a believer and I feel torn between doing the right thing and what I can do for me. I would never leave him but I have no life either. Guess I just needed to vent.

My husband has never been highly intelligent or intellectual. He didn't even finished high school and began drinking at age 13 when most of his brain did not get what it needed to develop critical thinking skills. Regardless, I married him and one way or another, we made it work. Now, we have been married for 18 years, but four years ago he had a sport accident that caused him a brain injury. In the past four years I have made many adjustments, but it is getting to the point where I am loosing patients and hope for our future.
I have a Master Degree of Arts in teaching and I am always involved in advancing my knowledge in one way or another. I am an active individual and enjoy being involved in family and friends activities, job related activities, church activities, and occasional community service.
Since my husband's brain injury, I have stayed home to make sure he has what he needs and I take care of the responsibilities he has difficulty accomplishing. I do not know if it is his laziness or his constant struggle with depression, but he lacks much motivation and only does things that he is told to do. Most of the time he is not able to think for himself and if he does, he only thinks how it benefits him without consideration to how his decision will affect anyone or anything else.
I am exhausted, and I do not know what else to do. I am no longer who I was or who I would like to be and I am losing hope for bettering my life in all aspects and areas.
I love him and would feel horrible divorcing him with him having the necessary brain function he needs to take care of himself.

I need help. What can I do to help myself cope? Reasoning with him has not worked, how do I empathy with him? How do I keep myself from running out on him? How do I get my priorities back on track? Where do I find help? I read the Bible, which has brought me much peace, knowledge, and understanding, but how do I get the emotional support that I need to cope?

On the 4th yr being married to my only husband, he started to sleep separately, I cried & beg until one day I'm used to being alone, we're 18yrs still together now. Five years ago he fell out from stairs and hit his head to the doorknob & I don't really know the exact details, he just explained to me how it happened as I was at work that day. After that, he easily became irritated and often put the blame on me even for small things. Sometimes he acts like 90yrs old sometimes like a kid. We're both on the early 60s. He drinks a lot like 5~6 glasses every single day and smokes too. Sometimes I just want to give up but it may not be the best solution to do being alone thousands of miles away from my family. He's becoming more boastful, most of the time I just avoid long conversation as it annoys me when he starts to argue. We seldom go out, just occasionally, or I often go by myself or with a friend to refresh. He's always home watching TV all day, he could not sleep with TV off. He loses his motivation & could not focus at times even taking care of his self. I have to patiently remind him what to do all the time depending on his mood. He feels sore every day, loses appetite, no sense of smell, declined hearing. I think the only reason why I stay or both live together this long is that he is not a violent person, nothing physical at all. Sometimes I write a diary about how I feel then I pity myself if I start to think the reality, how hard it is living with a person with brain injury. I practice to ignore and let the things go by to avoid mental stress around the house. What else you think I should do?

My dad got hit in the head with a wheel loader while at work and has a brain injury from it as well as constant ringing in his ear and he's pretty much blind in his right eye.

This took place October 17th, 2017 and today is June 1st, 2018 and nothing has gotten better. He and my mother fight almost every day, I don't see him smile anymore, or laugh, which is extremely hurtful because my dad was always the positive and smiley one. His smile was so contagious and he treated my mother as a queen, but ever since this accident it has been different. He calls her names, ignores her, blames everything wrong on her, and is acting like she is always out to get him. It makes me so mad that this has changed not only his and my mothers but also mine and my sibling's life so much.

I just want things to go back to the way they were and to see my parents love each other again.

I would love some advice on how to handle this as a daughter, it kills me every day.

Five months shy of 34 years of marriage my husband had a stroke. He was only 58 years old. We had him in the hospital within an hour he got his TPA. But was told he needed brain surgery to stop the swelling. Before he was moved to the second hospital to have his surgery he regained all his movement with his left leg and most of his movement in his left arm. His memory and cognitive thought tested normal. The second hospital did not give his surgery to him immediately and waited over 48 hours. He start losing his movement on his left side. He spent almost six months in hospital and rehabs. Where he also fell and broke his left hip. He's been 14 months. You can not walk, get himself out of bed, go to the bathroom by himself, or dress himself or care for himself and many other ways. He's also lost a lot of cognitive abilities and has troubles with emotion. I have never felt so lost in my life.

My husband and I were married just four months when he became ill. A common cold turned into bacterial meningitis, severe sepsis, ARDS (accute respiratory distress syndrome). He suffered a seizure and possibly two strokes during his medically induced coma. He was in a medically induced coma and on life support for 16 days. When he woke, he didnt know who he was. And although he knew we were married, he didnt have an emotional connection to me (when we were married we had dated just nine months). He had severe ICU delerium and had to re-learn how to walk. CT scans indicated left, frontal lobe brain damage. He also suffered a TBI (crushed skull) when he was 19 during a car accident. This accident left him deaf in his left ear. This illness took away 50% of his hearing in his right ear. During the first six months of recovery, he saw a speech pathologist, occupational therapy. He attended personal counseling that, unfortunately, was a negative experience. The therapist was not well-trained and made incorrect diagnosis. He now has no trust for therapy and refuses to go. He also refuses to see a neurologist. I am a special education teacher and work with children with learning disabilities, behavior challenges, and autism. Since my husbands return to work (he refused to apply for long-term disability because he was unable to work the first year and a half after the illness) our relationship has dramatically deteriorated. I started individual counseling. He is unable to see that working long hours is not healthy for him and our marriage. He is very critical of me, is irritable, self-centered, and impulsive. He tells me he is trying to re-connect with himself. That he is on his journey. He spends an unreasonable amount of time with his family instead of with me. He is the oldest of six kids. His relationship with his mother is co-dependent and unhealthy. In fact, his family has played a huge role in creating a deeper rift in our marriage. But he insists its his way of re-connecting. His temper can go from 0-10 quick. Before his illness, we were like peas and carrots. He was kind, loving, and patient. Our love was special. He idolized me and me him. He recently became physical with me. Im devastated. He says he didnt mean to hurt me and knows he crossed a line. Im angry. Im lost. Im resentful. I never thought he would try to hurt me. Ive given him an ultimatum. Marriage counseling or its over. I feel so much grief its unbearable. I fought to save his life. I gave up everything to bring him back. My heart is breaking.

It is all so hard and the joy has been the hardest part to be without..

children not joyful anymore either..all sad but must try I guess  try to

make some kind of normal....

My husband and i have been together for 4 years. He had a brain tumor removed on his left parietal lobe (benign) in January and it's only April but it's so so hard! He's 26 and I'm 20 and I bet it has a lot to do with my age but, I could cry and cry and cry and he won't do anything about it. I feel he doesn't even care about how I feel. He says he would never hit me but when he gets angry he screams and curses at me and hits the walls(there are so many holes in the walls from him). He punched and broke our door last night. I am kind of scared. For some odd reason at the end of the night i find myself apologizing to HIM for talking about my feelings.The next day I can't feel the way I feel because he's confused and very distraught from having such high emotions that he's just in a sad mood tomorrow because that's the last feeling he felt before he went to bed that last night. I have to act like nothing happened and comfort him even though I'm still hurting... I have been seeing that this will get better and I'm scared it won't because the day of his brain aneurysm I found divorce papers and I confronted him and he said yes. He went into surgery 2 days after that and we haven't talked about it since. I feel he hates me. I love him so terribly. I hope he gets better.

Very sad to lose hope of things getting better. When staying is driving you crazy and the last thing in the world you want to do is leave your marriage but it's the marriage or your mental health.. When all the raging is driving you crazy and your friends seem to take his side. When your counselor says just leave him. Or it's up to you how much you can take. So you try not to give up hope that things will get better, and after two years  he gets a little better. You deal assertively with his raging. But now he's improving he's harder to live with . You've changed, he's changed, together it's quite peaceful but when your daughter comes into the room it's like he can't deal with two people at once. He gets angry you get angry suddenly there's no peace anymore.

they call it love.

My husband was involved in an mva in 2008. We only had been married for 4 yrs, but have been friends since 1st grade. I had the BEST life. He was an xray tech and loved his job. We were so happy! Now since the accident he is on ssi and has a TBI he's NOT the same person. He has no executive function, nor does he have ANY self control. He has become a compulsive eater, drinker, and shopper. He is nasty, irritable, explosive, irrational. He no longer has the switch that tells you to stop eating, drinking, arguing. He is inappropriate in public, and being that I must be his switch, i am the enemy. He is depressed, angry, bitter, and miserable. He curses me, calls me gutter names in front of people, starts fights with random people. We have been to counseling but our problems never existed prior to the TBI and all of them are because he is not the same but refuses to or cannot understand that. I lost my husband in that mva. Sex is non existent, for 1 he has ballooned in weight, uses a cpap now, and has sleep apnea, and cannot perform. 2nd is he has no desire whatsoever, so i am forced to have no intimacy whatsoever. Every time things erupt he's divorcing me. As i write this, we are again at that point. This time he had sent messages to family, and friends of how miserable he is with me etc. I'm 99% sure this is it. I cannot say I'm going to be ok..unfortunately i love him, but honestly do not like this new person. If i were to have just met him the way he is now id never have even dated him. I am sort of feeling relieved if he is actually going to divorce me cause this rollercoaster is killing me. Counseling doesn't work cause he honestly cannot control himself, but has great intention. But it's a cyclic spiral. I am miserable living like this But we shall see

My husband suffered a severe TBI from an accident with his hot rod at 36 years old. We just found out we were having our 2nd child and he was in and out of hospitals during the pregnancy. I am glad to hear that I am not alone. I want him to continue to recover but I have seen a dramatic decline in his recovery since having to take a number of seizure medications. I agree with the last post that it is very difficult to manage the TBI when the medication side effects interfere. It has only been 2 and a half years since his accident and I can relate to going through the daily responsibilities to survive. I just hope that in the end he can find joy in living again.

Sometimes I feel so alone coping with this and yet reading your stories helps me. no I have no choice but to continue on caring best i can and that I'm not alone out there as many of us I'm sure think?

My husband was attacked on his 30th birthday and at the time he suffered a severe head injury 1 year later this was found and by then nothing could be done to help .

13 years on he has improved in that he can read but not retain information but has huge personality changes and memory loss,unable to drive or work.

We have 2 children and now I have a 3rd whom sadly feels like a lodger living here bouts of drinking and in his on world unable to converse due to memory and un interest in certain conversations.

egg shells is not the word for it ,trying to keep juggling all my hats as a mum wife carer and work some days feels relentless.

I walk alot ... yet more loneliness it saddens me to have lost the man I feel in love with but yet still have this stranger here that appears to everyone else as so normal thank you for reading my rant and thank you for sharing your stories.

This is the same as any other marriage counseling site. it doesn't help in our situation. The last paragraph states how if we need more help, we should consult a marriage counselor with experience dealing in tbi. Our income is a fraction of what we had, with barely enough to pay rent let alive food and other expenses. How the **** am i supposed to be able to afford the services of a marriage counselor?!

I love my dear one, but I am frightened. We have been married for 40 years. He had a TBI as a child and was unconscious for 3 days. Three years ago he had another TBI in a bad fall putting up solar on the barn.  Last Saturday he had an out-of-control anger outburst six or seven times, even while driving, and even physically roughly handling our 3 year old grandson.  Enough!  Lord Jesus, what if I can't take it anymore? What if this keeps escalating?  What if he won't recognize what is going on?  I tried to talk to him frankly and he got very mean and defensive. Help?

My husband had a stroke 5 years ago. We had a 1 year old and a baby, and it was hard. As he got better and slept less, he became harder to live with. Then his frustrations and anger became too much around our little children so I had him leave. That was 18 months ago. Not a day goes by I don't think of him, and wish I could have him at home with us. I like to think if he could have talked and heard and understood, then maybe we could have coped better. I dont think I could ever move on, it feels like a piece of me is missing, and I expect him to wake up next to me every morning. It's not lack of love that made it too hard to care for him. Sometimes it's outside our control.

My husband took down a telephone pole on his Harley almost 19 years ago. It has been very hard to deal with the TBI but I found two things that really helped. Neurofeedback therapy helped him do much that he was able to care for himself and I went back to school and got a degree in Psychology so that I could start doing neurofeedback for others. I also found NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and the classes and support groups were incredibly helpful. I suggest taking their Family to Family education class very much for any caregivers of someone with a brain injury.

So helpful reading others comments. We were married for 26 years when my husband changed forever following encephalitis. We had a very bad few years when I really thought I could stand it no longer Now coming up to 53 years it isnt always easy but we've passed through it and it doesn't hurt me anymore. I guess it is real love and we must be thankful for it.

Met my wife when I was 14, dated since 19, married 25 years, together 30. Had a stroke, and two years later, we are divorcing. It is not an easy road.

We were marriage in 2000.My husband worked for the state highway department for 22 years.then on July,2003,a semi truck driver ran through their construction zone and injured him and 4 others.My husband suffered with a TBI and PTSD,skull fracture, punctured lung, fractured ribs,,fractured pelvis,crushed right hand and broken right thigh bone.He's a miracle to survive,but the neurologist told us his old self died on the Highway and we would have to adjust to this new person,so true.It gets very hard,mostly speaks negatively in every subject.It is hard to stay,I admit.I believe Christ wants Me to take care of him.He has many behavioral issues.Patience is hard but very necessary. Fortunately I am a nurse and can care for him.I refuse to give up on him..<3God bless all those who care for these brain injured spouses.May God grant us the patience to bear our crosses.