What Happens to Relationships After Brain Injury?

I am so surprised to find this site. I suffered a ruptured AVM when I was a young, pretty, 22 years old woman in 1980. Then, there were no support groups, no one to talk to. I was popular, married almost two years and was left with left side paralysis. After 2 years of therapy, many people were unable to tell anything was wrong and I strived to "be normal." But, of course, I'm not. I've been financially secure to afford the very best of everything. I've traveled the world,  living a spectacular life, but its been without anyone my age to relate with on the subject of my illness. My children know me only as I am, not as I know I was. My existence has been doctors, physical therapy, medication, MRI scans, depression, more depression, acting out, divorce, addiction, rehab...  Now, that my career as a reporter is done and I've got time on my hands to give toward my grown family, NO ONE CALLS.  Yes, my injury has changed me as I've grown older, but what the hell, I'm still more entertaining than most people I know. Anyway, so glad to find this site. I'll return to reading your comments and wish I could personally connect with some of you.   Leslie

Great information

My husband of 36 years was in car accident feb-2013 A girl run stop sign and hit him as his speed was 55 Mph he's left with TBI the same year he was to retire and we start living out our dreams! Wrong. I'm living in hell with him seems like I can't find help for him the one place I did find help like he needs was in Chapel Hill NC they wanted 600.00 first visit and 2 visit between 600.00-1200.00 per visit we can't afford this they have him on meds yes but I don't know him Since the wreck he says he's changed he needs to be alone 90% time it's hard because when he was air flighted to hospital and in coma for 12 days and finally woke up he knew his family and co workers but he didn't know how use fork or walk or put his clothes on or walk or wipe his butt ! I done 24/7 care for him everything I done I gave his baths I put his clothes on him I went to bed every night with him at 7:00 just so he would not fall off the bed and hit his head " anyways where we stand now is yes he survived that wreck. He's up walking now driving. And taking care of all the yard work and doing about what he wants too all at same time I don't know who he is he ignores or 3 daughters. Grown ups now and our 4 grand kids is very short fused with them and only can take few mins with visitors family and poof he's gone , He's always saying I should never been here now I need help " why am I still here "On another note " 2009 he fell from a 50 ft light pole from his job few surgery and 2 yrs later he was fine " then wreck 2013 I'm always trying understand his blunt ways of talking to me and me trying figure out what's he's talking about leads to " well I shut up you don't understand " and wAlks away . He wants help But I can't find him help so needs less to say he's alone time I gave him in his safe place I. His room wasn't enough he since then stays across the rd in a ole store building he set him a bed up there and he's across the rd at the house few times aday says he's ok where he's at and now we talking about separating after he's been moved out since jan he keep saying you don't deserve to live like this go find you a man """" grrrr"""" I'm at a breaking point and I'm trying to fight for my 36 yrs with this man. But the drs said there he will get to point where he wants to be alone. I'm going put this out there if anyone close to Sanford or Siler City NC or Pittsboro Nc is going through TBI and have any info on any help I can get on how to deal with him Cause I'm at pointing need help Myself just to deal with him. This is tearing me up and to think throw away 36 yrs away for something that was not his fault I can't turn my back on him even if he's pushing me away I need help people . I seen so many stories on here I read if only I had a way contact y'all is it safe to post phone numbers here ? Just going save this site or try too watch for the comments back to me take care y'all and don't lose faith ""

My son had a stroke. He needs some friends. ..he is 21

Yep everything I can identify with.  I'm actually slipping away a little bit more day by day.  Tragic

Agreed. In my experience, he was attempting to cheat even before the stroke. Its low self esteem.

I met by boyfriend about 6 months after he had his tbi in a car accident. He was not shy at all, and told me I was pretty. He even started holding my hand 30 minutes after we met. I thought he was funny outgoing and sweet and he is, but I knew nothing about TBIs. We eventually started dating and I started to see the negative sides of the injury that I thought would be easy to overcome since we had already formed a tight friendship. His mood would change super quick, his happy was super happy and his angry was infuriated. He started to message my girl friends on Facebook and I was hurt by it. He was and is very impulsive and I know he had a hard time controlling it. He would call me (no joke) about 20 times in a row if I didn't answer. He would show up at my house when I hadn't invited him. He got really tired and we would have to stop what we're doing at times so he could take a nap or we could lay down. My friends didn't like me dating him because he would message them and told me I took care of him like a baby, but I shook it off. He was unable to get a job, and had a hard time making friends. We hung out every day until he went to Bakersfield for treatment and to learn some basic skills in order to live successfully with a tbi. He was gone for months and during that process I had time to think about whether I wanted to live like this for the rest of my life. I loved him so much but I had so many goals in life such as getting my nursing degree and traveling the world studying medicine I felt they were unachievable if I were with him. I also pictured myself having lots of kids and to not work all the time, I couldn't imagine leaving him alone with a baby or toddler and knew he couldn't get a job to help out with future finances. I broke up with him because I figured he had staff and support in Bakersfield that could help him cope and move on. I was sad but kept busy through school and work. When he came back he got a new girlfriend and we didn't talk until one day we decided to get lunch. We had fun and talked for hours. After that I thought in my head that if I loved him that much and we had this great chemistry I could make everything work out. We got back together and I even went to counseling and therapy with him but a month later he (physically) cheated on me. I was so devastated and sad, I knew he had impulse control issues but never saw it going this far. I felt like I could have gotten past the effects of the brain injury, but this was too much and too painful, it felt like a slap to the face. I broke things off for good and that was about 2 years ago. I still think about him and recently found some of our old pictures. I don't talk about him to anyone because I feel like no one understands me. I miss our friendship and think about the good times we had. I feel bad for him too, I want him to be successful and happy but I know what demons he faces every day.

In the last year my boyfriend got hit by a car while walking.. Our relationship has suffered tremendously and I always wish somehow we could take it back. He has had anger issues and a close relative of his passed away only six months after. Things have been terrible hard but I would rather it be hard than not have him at all. We were together for a year and a half and now going on three. He was put on mood stabalizers to help his anger, and since then has been able to control it a lot better with slight bursts here and there. He is an angel and always remember that they don't mean to be what the brain injury caused.. they can't control it. If you are concerned go to a doctor or therapist and ask for help, they wish the accident didnt happen as much as us loved ones do, so always encourage them to be the best person. I know I will never be without my boyfriend, he may be different, but he's a love and always will be. 

My god i agree with every word written here, in Feb 2013 I suffered I'm told a severe TBI as a passenger in a car. I was a driven successful person before my injury but hell this impact has removed a lot of my personality to the person I now am however I'm so glad that my previous driven personality remained and it's that determination that has helped me but I've been in some tough times since my injury. I wish all with head injuries a blessed future with happiness and hope. Gary..

Perhaps written for those who have not been affected as much as the severely ones. We can't give compliments, babysit, go for coffee, etc. if we are unable to leave our home. For the ways we are affected, much of this list  is 'simply' not doable. My comments are meant for positive clarification. I respect those who write, and I am thankful for forums such as these.

I had a severe traumatic tbi from a horse accident, the saddle didnt fit right enough, I take my actions as my own, forgot all about to make sure the saddle fits, wasn't my first blow to the head but it certainly was the last.  at least I hope. 

I hope that strategies are important enough not to be forgotten.  I go through these cycles of learning, then unlearning, or at least not having the information in the blink of an eye, its usually a slow process.  Like there is a storm inside my head and the storm has to settle down before I can accurately navigate the area of my mind that is needed. 

If I can remember what i was looking for before the storm that is.

its like being distracted from your job, takes a good couple of minutes to get back on track, well sometimes is can be longer.

I dont think this process is taken into account during an emotional experience.

Everyone is different, try to allow your focus to the most important, but life is so much more than that, I believe we can successfully regain most of our natural behaviors and though patterns, we have the opportunity to make it better. speaking from a place where I have not yet accomplished this task, as it seems to be overwhelming.  I try lots of notes to remind me, because when i forget, the tax man still collects, this time with compound interest.  I knew I should have taken it slow and easy after surgery, but I didn't, now here I am.  still have a bit of fight left so to speak. Its tiresome at times, obstacle after obstacle, it doesn't take long to get tired, then after fatigue comes depression, and i hope you guys can see that fatigue is the prime reason we have problems.  the more we sleep the better we feel, get a good rest everyone. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

My husband had a TBI from a car accident in 1989.  Our relationship changed and things got really bad until six years ago when he died in yet another car accident.  We had a lot of trouble trying to get help for him.  The insurance company fought us every step of the way, trying to blame his situation on his previous military experience, which was years ago.  Now I'm stuck here trying to live with the aftermath of all this.  I miss our life, I'm very lonely and no one understands what we went through for 20 years.

I had a catastrophic TBI a little over 20 years ago , had a handful of friends , they disappeared  , so I've been almost 25years with nobody at all .I suffer with clinical depression & once self harmed so severely that I almost bled to death . That was 20 years ago - now I feel like a facsimile ,not human ,without hope &staying alive so's to help care for my dear Mum who's stricken with Alzheimer's .

Man this is such a spot-on article. My mood swings are the most difficult part of it all.

My brain injury happened 12/08/14 i got robbed by four guys and beat in head with shovels i underwent an left hemicraniectomy i was on life support for two day my whole right side of body is weakeness and i have glaucoma and i live a lone and feel like i have no help noooo where thats not good at all

Wishing everyone luck & recovery, healing on here. Makes you feel less alone. It is a struggle. July 14 I had a slip, trip & fall hit back of head, then speaker fell on head as well & think was concussed. Had nausea, vision, just staring at wall..Had mild tbi/pcs since- Then reported SV very traumatic need to complain re that. Feb waiting in neurology got hit in head as well. Very unlucky then helped a shot teenager & frightening. I live with preteen daughter & hard for her as gone from calm, happy & upbeat to angry, frustrated, depressed. Try tho to be more upbeat but can be volatile and she can as well. Parenting hard as makes so much noise & does not listen. I have had very little help & actually find pple nasty as seem to be narcissists and minimize & deny anything wrong & want to talk about themselves & too much. Also I don't drink & realize most pple do. I have become more spiritual and mindfulness, meditation, mantras, gratitude help. Relaxing music on you tube. I Have been very angry about lots of things & still am as reminded me of other traumas & being violently hit as a child. I like online stuff a lot now. I am at risk of losing home as unemployed on sick. Depressing & also how treated in UK. Praying this will change. It is hard having a hidden disability but pple think am not. I am still multilingual and can do a lot but before was super able. Cannot cope with light, noise, interaction. Pple & family have been abusive to me especially as am speaking out on these forums & on social media. Free speech. Also nasty because am poor. Just trying to do the best I can which is hard. Need to look at how can earn from home. Relationship wise don't think can meet anyone with this. Slowly get better 2 steps forward 1 step back. Be kind to yourselves & anyone helping you. Baths with lavender oil on head help as well, good healthy, raw food. Take care Namaste share your stories

Without making this a long post, someone very special to me had a tbi a bit over 2 years ago.  Not as "serious" as some others, as he attempts to work.  This past Dec, he had a mini-stroke.  I only met this man 2 months after his tbi.  We were friends, and things started to grow from there.  After the mini-stroke, things got worse.  Meaning as far as his irritability, stm, concentration, depression, etc.  He started to shut off (which I begged him not to), as we are currently in different states.  Point being, this is a man with a LOT of pride, and was determined not to let this get him although his head was like a "shook up snow globe".  I think he is now starting to accept he may not get the old him back, but it is not liking it.  I could have taken some things he has said personally, and the behavior as such, but instead, I started reading up on survivors of tbi/strokes.  Everything was so on point.  To read what the survivors have said about their life, changes, thoughts was enlightening. His family doesn't understand, as no one seems to want to inform themselves.  They believe this is something the survivor chooses and can control.  I know things will not always be good, but it's the knowledge, understanding and love for him that gives me the strength to support and be there for him. 

I have one. I have lost my family and my marriage is in serious trouble..this injury is the worst.

I was hit in the head by a throw playing softball going on a year in September. Since my concussion, I have been living at my parents house recovering and sleeping alone. I have not given this much thought until recently. You see me and my girlfriend have decided to move in together and I am terrified of sharing a bed with her. My fear is that I could accidently be hit in the head again, on accident. I am doing much better but I certainly do not want to be hit in my head. This is new territory for her. She is a good person given my condition she still wants to move in together and be there for me. I don't want us to fight if by accident she bumps into my head or elbows my by accident. Can anyone relate? Any help would be much appreciated. I pray that we all heal over time. God bless you all!

Hi, my name is chad L. after reading this page and seeing all the people struggling with tbi, and seeing me struggling with the same issues, mainly relationship issues, my girlfriend i dont think understands the whole TBI. i try to send her stuff on it im not sure if she really reads it or what, but i know that maybe she will see if she just reads this whole page! maybe she will see how hard she is making it on me! i was in a coma for 8 days life support, really lucky to be alive of course thanks to God. but i had to re learn everything, walk, talk, eat, ect. now the first couple years after the accident are kind of fuzzy, most due to the injury, but eventually i did turn to alcohol for my answers, survivor guilt i guess is what they call it! well ended up just throwing my life away, went to prison at 18 got out at 23, i went to different times, but thats irrelevant, now i went to rehabs, in different states,  am from arizona! really but i just went right back to prison the second time, now ive been out for almost a year! which to me is so great, but really i can do so much, im very blessed the injury you cant see so much when you look at me or not really even talk to me! i have read and seen some terrible stuff for people with TBI. and im very blessed, but her is my problem, sorry it took so long, my girlfriend, she tells me like alot like 2 times week, maybe more, that she dont love me, im not her best friend! never going to be her husband! its ok i should be able to tell its a lie, beacuse she always commes back, but part of my brain, when i say ohhh she loves you she will come bacl, well there is a part man she tell you everyday how she isnt happy that your crazy, your mind is crazy! but to me, she doesnt even try to read about it or help, just expects, and you know thats good! i should be able to do anything i have God! but i just am looking for some answers, beaucse she i dont think is! she just wants me to change over night! and yes i guess it could be done! but really this injury is crazy, its hard to understand, what it does to some people it doesnt to to the other person! many problems in feeling alone, befre i went to prison even when i was in home with family it was different, i feel like everyone that knew me, looks and treats me different! the hardest part of this whol injury, was coming home and hearing from my whole family how much i had changed, how different i was, it shouldnt matter right? what anyone else thinks, not my family not any old friends, but it played a big factor in my life and my choices, for this reason, i blame going to prison on the injury, i couldnt accept the fact that i was different, i just drank and thought since i been through so much at such a young age, the world owed me something, but really so many people go through so much more. just its God's will for eah person, now idk why but its what is suppose to be, did i get mad that a friend died in my car i had to be the one walking around school, and everyone saying thats the guy, felt horrible, but i let it destroy me! i have now like i said been out of prison, for almost a year, i actually got my first job, and even though i am on probation i was so happy, i still am happy yes of course, but i have had a couple relapses, about 3 actually, the 3rd one was really bad, really bad. but its ok. i got through it now i just have to get through the rest of my life with nothing, which should not actually which will not be a problem, this relationship though is really hard on me she is in another country but i really truly love her, and  i feel the same, just my biggest problem, is maybe she dont read none of the things i send her it doesnt seem like it, but maybe she doesnt understand its a life long injury, and im not going to need her to walk me around holding my hand, but sometimes i am going to need her help! really i need it sometimes! but i guess i its not her God has another angel to look after and help me, or maybe just my mom, but really just wish she would read and try just try to understand, that is all thank you! 

As I read every ones postings it is as if I am reading a little about myself in each one. The same but different. Every TBI is different and has different levels of outcomes but at the same time are very similar. It has been five years since I too was rear ended by a 'distracted' driver at a speed somewhere between 50 and 60 mph. No way to know for sure because he never hit his brakes as I sat at a traffic light. ( for you math enthusiast he was going 88 ft per second per second with a 6000 lb vehicle, Ouch!) The ER doctors never considered a TBI and did not refer me to a neurologists. I actually had physical brain damage and now face a life with Epilepsy.  I know that I should not yell at my wife when I 'lose it' but like everyone else that is easier said than done. My emotions are all over the place due to those brain injuries and the AEDs I have to take to to control the seizures. I did not know I had PTSD until I was told so by a doctor 5 years post injury! I too lost my career which I loved, my high salary income, ( I loved that too) my friends, my sports, I can't drive anymore and that is hard to deal with. I am chained to my house until my wife can be here to drive me to from doctor appointments. Love ones, talk to your injured spouse about how they hurt you emotionally when you act out or say hurtful things you don;t really mean. Don't let it build up to a "I can't take this anymore" moment.  I have watched my wife change over these past 5 years and it is because of me, my actions.   I am just now realizing this!! We are finally seeing a neuropsychological therapist together to 'work' on my/ our many issues due to the TBI. I am still in mourning for the person I /we lost that moment in time I wish I had back. But had I not been there at that spot at the exact time a 25 year old man would have been killed. With that knowledge even if I could travel back in time I could not bring myself to save myself nor live with myself.  We have been married 47 years and I don't want to lose what we have worked so hard to accomplish.  The chronic pain from all of the body injures add to this problem of along with Chronic Insomnia, hearing and eyesight problems, speech and language and cognitive deficits just like everyone else suffers from. When you write all of this down on paper and look at it you say dang that guy is messed up! Yes but I still have my sense of humor. You and I must always keep that as it is one our the best medicines.  But I have to refuse to let all of my problems ruin my/our lives. Easy said but it has helped me through this and I hope it can help at least one of you.  OK now, Visualize a stork next to a pond with a frog in his mouth he is trying to swallow whose head you cannot see. BUT the frog has both of this hands around the storks throat and is choking the stork. The caption reads, "NEVER GIVE UP". Thank all of you for sharing your stories as they help me know that I am not alone in this struggle to be normal again. One Last Thing. What saved my life that day was simple. I always stop a full length of my vehicle behind the stopped vehicle in front of me, ALWAYS! I teach everyone this same lesson. Pass it on!   God Bless. TRN

My marriage has suffered as a result of my concussion :(

Your story amazed me!!! I've had a car wreck an broke neck broke pelvis and broke arm with rod in it .. Eye injury ( very self conscious about .. I wear colored contacts to cover injury ) and right side head injury , coma ... All that too ... Very traumatizing! I'm bipolar now went through 3 divorces ... Used to be a hairdresser for Regis Co. Now I can't even stand to work with the pain an aggravation... Your story Helped! Thanks!