The Truth About Divorce After Traumatic Brain Injury

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He had TBI 4 years into our marriage, it’s not been 11 years since his injury and it’s been a rough ride. His loyalty, appreciation and all the love he gives me are the 3 things that keep me going every day. Unfortunately, they are not enough to be happy on the inside. Since his injury I’ve had to take on so many roles, I live my life and his. He is physically ok but can’t function accurately if he was to work so I work with him. He is a very smart man and has established our own business for us but he thinks of what needs to be done and I carry out the tasks since he can’t. So basically I do everything hands on except he gives the orders. My main problem is he forgets that I have 3 kids and they need me, only because he is trying so hard to make a living for our family. He is a great guy so please don’t misunderstand me. It’s just he’s because I am puke din many different directions. I hate that it’s always about him and he feels bad for himself but he doesn’t realize that his injury affected both of our lives. Our business isn’t doing well so we are now about to be out of business but the sad part is he can’t go get a job so I will have to. I have been having bad thoughts about our marriage and it makes me feel guilty but I am scared and I don’t want to think those thoughts. To the individuals who had TBI please remember you are not suffering alone, your spouse is suffering too. I suffer inside and I never show him but it’s eating me up and I am always stressed.

I wanted to post this in support of all the spouses on this comment thread. I was with my husband for 14 years, married for 3. He was a heavy drinker with DUI history. But what we had worked and I loved him. Then he rode his ATV drunk off a cliff and life changed forever. After months in ICU and therapy, insurance sent him home far too early. He was wild and uncontrollable with a mean temper and no patience to speak of. He eventually got back to work, was driving and doing great, besides the emotional and verbal abuse I sufferers daily. I put up with it for a while, knowing it would get better, but as he got better he saw less need for any therapy or medication, stopped going completely and eventually started drinking again. He stopped going to work, totaled his new truck and racked up multiple charges. When the threats turned physical and violent I got a restraining order and left. One year later and we are divorced. Just one year and a day since the accident and we were in court. It's hard because you feel like you are giving up. Or that people will judge you and think you are a monster (which they actually will). But I write this here today because lots of therapy helped me come to terms that my happiness and quality of life is just as important as his. He has family to support him. I don't have to put up with daily abuse. That wasn't in the vows. I know he can't help a lot of it, but there are things he could be doing which he just refuses to. He just got into another ATV accident one week after he got it back. I refused to sit around and wait for that next call. Please value your happiness and quality of life km as much as you do your spouses. You deserve some happiness too.

I feel for all of you, my story is much the same, my husband had a bad fall whilst working 700 miles away from home 2 years ago in our 19th year of marriage. He had a severe TBI (48 days PTA) we have 2 kids 9 and 11 at the time and living in NZ having emigrated 6 years prior from the UK. Already homesick and begging to go back he will not talk of it but carries on as if all is fine. I get no affection, thanks or appreciation for working 60 hours a week, to support our financially overstretched situation. I am so angry, his life insurance would not pay out as he had been drinking prior to his fall. My resentment and loneliness overwhelms me. I have my own medical issues and had to have surgery in November to remove a 4cm benign tumour from my thyroid which had been robbing me of energy for 12 years. But according to him I'm okay because I don't have a brain injury. Others do not realise how desperately awful this situation is, I take my vows seriously but I'm only 47 and really don't know if I can live the rest of my life in a sexless emotion free marriage. This 24/7 reality of him thinking inside a smaller square than everyone else's yet displaying an air of total arrogance is hard to bear.

It's impossibly hard. The survivors are masters of disguise. Us spouses are left looking like we're crazy. Everything is our fault. Nothing we do is enough. If we suggest things to help them, we're horrible and judgmental. The agony of everyday and the pain of trying to make things normal for the kids is exhausting. It reminds me of my constant failures. Everything I say is wrong, nothing I do is right. His weight gain and lack of anything other than the tv and his iPad are my fault too. I miss feeling cherished. I miss feeling important. Now I run the house alone and am judged by how I do it - while he does nothing. I miss who he was, which is becoming harder and harder to remember who that was. He's no longer kind. Or loving. He seems to cherish being mean to me. And I made a vow, which is hard to keep on the rare occasion an attractive man pays kind attention to me.

I'm the one with the TBI and my husband has been so emotionally abusive through this all. It's been 6 months so far and he is impatient, condescending and mean. We're trying to work through it but he wants me to give him the emotional support he needs to deal with a wife that isn't running at full speed but I can't. I can't even support myself. After my injury, I became severely depressed and suicidal. I'm in therapy to handle it so I'm not in danger but during the worst of it, I couldn't lean on him for support because he was too busy yelling at me for everything I do wrong. I'm so tired and defeated everyday because everything I say and think is wrong because of the TBI and it's so hard to have someone that expects you to be right as rain. I know it's hard to understand it from the survivors side but trust me that they can't totally understand it from the other side either.

My husband had a TBI a little over 4 years ago I thought reading other's comments would help me - it just validates what I feel. At first when he would take his meds he was easier to deal with but he said it just made him want to sleep and maybe that was how it was easier – less waking hours of him yelling at me or my oldest child about how worthless we both are.  When he doesn't take his meds then he is a horrible person to me. We go out with friends -he laughs has fun is the life of the party - the drive home I am told of all the things I did that embarrassed him - such as I laughed loudly and I did it to embarrass him and prove I could do anything I wanted. Well two fold one I was just laughing with my friends the only relief I ever get and then I get told that I made a fool out of myself that all of my friends think I am crazy. I keep his TBI to myself - I don't want to burden my friends with my life - it’s just too hard. He is not the person I married and if he were this way before the TBI I would have divorced him. I feel obligated - for better or for worse - for the children and the family - to death do we part - but my life is miserable. I am made to feel like I am horrible - tonight we were playing cards with our children and he just went on and on about me - how stupid I am - do I really think this or that - blah blah blah - I am seriously tired, I work 60 hours a week to support us, and come home and the house looks like someone spent all day just making a mess - so I clean the house - and then it's finally time for bed - with a little more cruising about me and my bad attributes. I don't know why he has to hate me - I have tried everything I can - I have been patience - kind – supportive tried to get him all the help I can find. I don’t talk back when he starts in on me in hopes that it won’t last long – but it just goes on and on and then he will finally stop. I sit there and think are you really going to live the rest of your life like this – we had a good life – but this is not the life I want – this is not the man I married – do I just divorce him and move on – I know if I leave then he will be sad and depressed we did that for the first two years – but this is really not fair and after 4 years I can’t make it any better – it is starting to make me a miserable person. Do you think I can leave him – and be happy – he has talked me down that sometimes I truly question if I am wrong  - at least people who live with someone with a TBI understand the hatred that they give their spouse. 

After my husband had his brain injury, he has been so hateful. Demeaning to me emotionally and mentally abusive. I been suffering for 3 years now and I don't know what to do. Someone PLEASE HELP!!!

Well I'm weighing in here after 1 and a half years post stroke. We have been married five years, second marriage for both. No children together. I have two teens living with us. He was 49 when he had the stroke, 45 when he had the heart attack. He was good for 2 years exercising and eating right and not smoking. Then he slipped gained weight, started smoking again and had a stroke. At first I was mad at him for making bad choices about his health. Now I have come to accept what has happened to my "new husband". Well he is not the man I said "I do" to. I feel more sad than guilty however because perhaps this could've been avoided. I will never know. But I ask you all why should I be condemned (and I mean this) to a sexless life of caregiving to someone who watches TV all day because he's too exhausted to do his therapy? You get what you give and I have no guilt because he gave up on his health and our marriage the day he started smoking again. Selfish choice but he was and is all about him. So I am going to be all about me. And so should you, because no one else is going to look out for you. Who wants to die a martyr anyhow?

My heart and prayers go out to all the Brain Injury Survivors and their spouses on this page and I want to encourage all of you with my story!  My husband and I were married for 19 months when we had our tragic car accident.  We were on our way to Disney World in Florida and never made it out of our state due to the van hydroplaning on a curvy highway.  There was 5 of us in the car which included myself, my husband, our 14 month old son, our 7 year old daughter, and my mother-in-law who died at the scene of the accident.  We all were injured but my husband sustained the worst of all which was a severe brain injury!  As many of you have stated there are major changes that take place which takes a heart of steel and a mindset of forgiveness, grace and mercy at all times!  Well to add to my incredible testimony we have 5 children, the two oldest being my step-children but I don't consider them step, they are mine as well.  We have three children together and 2 years after the accident I found out our first son is diagnosed with Autism/Sensory Integration. Two years after that our second son in diagnosed with Autism/Sensory Integration. Our daughter has been tested because she too showed signs on the emotional end but highly intellectual!  I have been a homeschool mom for 8 years now and between my husbands uniqueness and my children uniqueness, God has given me strength to keep my "Joy" through the extremely challenging circumstances I have lived with for years now.  As of this September 7, 2016 we will reach 19 years of marriage with only 19 months of him being able body!  For those of you struggling with the changes in personality the brain is no match for God's power through the Word!  Faith has been a strong foundation of our marriage, as well as reading books, laughing, and listening to CD's that penetrate all of their minds to help them understand the pain involved on both ends of the spectrum.  Inspirational music also penetrates the soul but I know everyone has to find what works best for them.  Support groups are also good even if the survivor doesn't want to go I would advise the caregiver to go because you can receive valuable information and friendships with those who can relate.  I thank God everyday for His love and now instead of complaining I thank Him for my family and ask Him to take all of our pain.... and use it for His Glory!!!  I am now trying to birth a Special Needs Art and Social Ministry at my church and my husband and I went through training to become Brain Injury Peer Visitors Support for the Hospital in our area!  For us as caregivers, the most important thing is for us to get a break to rejuvenate in all areas.  I am still looking to do this myself and will probably start a non-profit group to help all caregivers who are suffering in their brains as well as it is just as traumatic for us because of the responsibilities.  May God Bless all of you and may you find purpose in this pain!  

Favor-full of Blessings,

Kimberly Brown (k-g-brown@att.net)

My husband had a TBI a little over 5 yrs. ago. We have been married 21 years. He was in the hospital for 6 months. I never knew if he would recover or if he would be able to be home. He eventually came home & went through so many different therapist. Im happy he is doing better but at the same time I never been so miserable. Like so many others have said "I'm living with a stranger." His personality is so different & he just sits on the couch all day watching tv. He never has any incentive to do anything but watch TV & eat. He will go with me to do grocery shopping but never suggests what we should buy or eat or what to do. He is verbally abusive & when I try to confront him about things he says to people that is embarrassing & rude he acts like he doesn't do anything wrong & gets furious with me. I can never have a decent conversation with him. He can hurt my feelings & he acts like he's mr. wonderful. I know he can't help having a brain injury but I feel depressed & guilty that at my age I'm insecure in the relationship & don't feel like I'm in love anymore with him. I feel totally helpless.

My husband had a TBI in 2010. He is rude. Can't handle crowds or traffic. He is ocd about everything. Physically he is fine. They did surgery on the left frontal lobe. He is so impatient and everything that happens is my fault in his eyes. He is controlling and verbally abusive. As long as his daily routine goes uninterrupted life is fine. He can't have a normal conversation with me without yelling..but he can manage to work with others without yelling. I have felt bad because I want to leave and I know he can't help the state he is in.. But he believes he is fine and says I am the one with the problem... Help me ..to make him see he needs help

I'm there now.. My husband at only 4 months married with two small children and one on the way... it is very hard at times but somehow God seems to help us make it through. I don't know how to talk to others about our relationship and not even my mom and dad he is like a stranger in the house so just sit and stare out the window for hours or at the TV and it's not even though we don't have regular communication with can't talk about things that are going on my financial burden our children are taking him to school I have high risk pregnancies have preeclampsia I take insulin shots and have high blood pressure and he doesn't seem to understand the more stressed I have to go through the more things that make other people think he's crazy stuff that happens on a regular basis to me it affects our children and me me and me to have this baby early people that does not or have not ever went through this doesn't know how it is they can't say we know how it is cuz I tell my dr. s all the time this is going on this is going on and I'll just look at me and say I know I know but they don't know because they don't live with that every single day. It's very frustrating because I was with him for 6 years before this happened and we've only been married four months now and I've been living with him for three years after his accident happened to him and our daughter will be 4 and I have not even A2 year old son and I'm pregnant with another baby they don't understand what's going on they know there's something different about daddy but that's about it... for Father's Day He was going really good we went to eat with my mom and dad went to Walmart after Walmart my dad said once you guys just go ahead to my house I was just driving home went to slow down to turn off the interstate and from out of nowhere she just jumped out of the car and takes off work and my kids are crying I'm upset I couldn't get them back in the car I called my mom and dad they had to call the state troopers to get the state troopers to bring him back things like that that normal people don't have to deal with don't know how hard it is to go through things like this every day because of their brain is not working right emotional emotionally he's changed personally he's changed physically he's changed can't work can't drive I can't do this you can't do that it does put a lot of strain on someone in the bad thing is he's not even 30 yet he's only 28 and I'll be 30 in September where babies going through this you hear of older people going through this not someone young like me my whole life in front of me so does he consider these children and I have to babysit my husband I didn't expect things to be this bad at all but you know what God always sees or the person what they can handle and if he knew that I could handle this then I can handle anything......

I am having a very rough time.  His injury was about six months ago.  At first I had hope, but that hope is going away as, over time, I can see that his personality has changed.  He is a stranger to me.  I have no one to talk to who understands.  We dated for 6 years, waiting for my kids to grow up, he finally moved in with me and not one week passed before he had his stroke.  So no, we are NOT married.  He has three adult children, scattered elsewhere in the country. He is not close to them. He has no one else. All friends have abandoned him/us.  I no longer want to be in this relationship, but I feel so stuck. No, it is not a situation that requires a divorce, but he is so dependent on me, and I feel so guilty.  We had all these hopes and dreams, and we never had a chance, really, to be together (living together). So now I live and sleep with a stranger. Can we talk about sex, please? This is one of the hardest things. He is still interested in sex, but I am not! He is not the same guy I have loved and desired during these years.  But I am so afraid of hurting his feelings. How can I tell him that I just don't feel that way about who he is now.  I can't even tell if he realizes that he is not the same person. I work all day, he is home, just sits around watching TV, waiting for me to walk in the door, then he demands incessant attention. I DO give him attention, but honestly this is not the life we lived before or wished to live. We were both independent people with many interests and hobbies, some individual, and a very good match for each other. Now he is totally dependent on me for all human interaction, and I am not cut out for this. I am feeling simultaneously extremely guilty for thoughts of leaving the relationship (we were very committed to each other), and simultaneously grieving the loss of the relationship with the man who was, as though he died, but his body is re-animated by this total stranger. But yes, there are occasional glimpses of the old "him" and that is what keeps me feeling like I cannot leave.  My heart is overflowing with compassion, but like others here have said, if I met him today, we are not compatible and I would not be choosing a relationship with him. Complicating matters is how this situation has driven my young adult children away. They cannot stand to be around him and so I am now suffering the loss of those relationships, too.  I honestly feel I will be leaving soon, but I just have to figure out how. I fear that he will be homeless.  He has distanced himself from his relatives and he has no money other than social security. 

It's so sad that I'm mourning for my use to be husband and caring for this stranger. My teenager is depressed because my brain injured husband says the meanest things to her. I'm really having a hard time. My life is so miserable because he's so hateful and grunts at us like an animal. I miss the husband I married so much. He has also lost his empathy. Loosing people in our family in a car accident meant nothing to him. I need love, affection, and support. I don't know what I'm going to do. People do judge and especially Christians. It's not Christian to divorce and the 'in sickness and in health' oath just doesn't apply here. My daughter and I are literally being abused. They aren't living my life 24/7. I'm living one day at a time on faith, hope, and love. I know my God is bigger than this. I pray a lot.

I have no hope that he will ever get any better.  I am miserable and suffocating and trapped.  I have continually sacrificed my happiness for his.  I have given up my life and my future happiness to be the companion and caretaker of someone who will continue to drain me until one of us dies.  Don't judge the people that leave. You have no idea what we go through or how desperate we are to just live.

My husband of 6 years (14 together) suffered a cluster of 3 TBIs in 2011, and yet another 1 in 2015. While he is convinced that the TBIs and resulting depression/anxiety are not the reason, he has decided, abruptly it seems, to move out and proceed to end our relationship. I now know in hindsight we failed to support me through his injuries and recovery and also failed to support and nurture our relationship with each other. I remain hopeful that therapy will help open his eyes to a wider range of possible outcomes for us, but for now he is stuck on separation and divorce as the only "logical" option.

Like others, I have to say the anger & narcissism are the worst.  My spouse's accident was two decades ago, 10 years after we'd been together.  I am committed to our marriage vows but it is so hard.  I am always wrong, always mean, always lazy.  I know it's her TBI talking but after all these years that is no consolation.  As others have said, she believes she is fine.  Because I was in a coma for 3 days & had (very minimal) anoxic brain injury after an intentional drug overdose, now I am the one with designated problem.  AKA, her out.  My " brain injury" is worse, her burden heavier.  I don't think spouses/partners, particularly spouses who stay, get the support or credit we deserve.