How to Deal with a New, Angrier Version of a Beloved Husband and Father?

My husband had a TBI in late 2011 and life has never been the same or will it ever.We have been married just short of 40 yrs.I did not notice any changes at first, we were just thanking God he survived.Over the last 6 yrs I started to notice many changes in his personality much for the worst. His anger & rages have become more frequent and I am to blame for everything.I did move out in 2015 and went back and things just got worst from that point.I can barely see a glimpse of the man I married.He can control himself in front of other people but when we are alone the things he says and has done are unthinkable to the people that do not live with him.I recently moved out again for my own safety since then he has threaten his own life many times and this breaks my heart. I still stay in touch with him daily to check on his well being and he has finally agreed to get some help from a counselor. Which has not been an easy task, it is hard to find a counselor that knows how to deal with TBI in our area. I had to go to his neurosurgeon and insist his help in finding someone to help us,he in turn is sending us to a neurologist so I can then insist he send him to a counselor. I do not have it in my heart to just walk away without giving him everything I have in helping  him even if we do not survive this nightmare when all is said and done.My point is I wish one of the many professionals would have told me what to expect so I could have gotten him help from the beginning.My best advise is take them to see a counselor right from the start so they can talk about the confusion, the changes, the anger, or as my husband puts the demons in his head.I have found through my own research that their are support groups in are area for him and for me the caregiver.Which none of the doctors told us about.I am praying that this might be the baby step to putting our lives back together.

My husband suffered two brain hemorrhages from an accident in 2008. I understand what all of you are going through. It's hard to deal with when these flare ups start. I can even see it in his eyes when it's building up and ready to explode. In the beginning it was really ugly and things got violent. We would have to hold him back so he wouldn't hurt himself or others. We tried antidepressants which didn't help. To top it off he was taking anti epilepsy medicine also. We were able to get him off the medicine and he's able to control himself know. We have been using therapeutic oils which have helped immensely along with lots and lots of help fro the up above. Believe it or not chili helped his epileptic attacks. He could bite into a habanero pepper and not taste it. Don't give up on your loved one. Be positive. When they start having one of their episodes try and get them to do something they like or put their mind in another area. Go out for a walk. The therapist told me that nature is good for healing.

Thank you so much for that post. I have been dealing with my husband's TBI for 26 years and I'm exhausted and feel emotionally beaten. I have helped him through so much and know he appreciates it deep down but other times he is so horrible and says awful things and blames me for everything going wrong. We are separated but live in the same house with our children. I feel trapped and would feel bad leaving. Everything would be up to me to organize and I have run out of energy. Sometimes it's easier to stay but to the detriment of my own mental health.

I suffered a brain injury from an automobile accident. After reading these comments, I know I am not alone and I would like to speak for everyone suffering from a brain injury. I was once a loving caring funny joyful person which my loving wife lavina fell in. love with. Now I have changed. I'll be normal and all of a sudden l like a flip of a switch..i will turn into some one different..an "A" hole my wife would say. A sudden burst of anger and rage would hit me for no apparent reason. A specific word or action would set me off. I would try as hard as I can to control it. It would make me tense up and shut myself off from reality but eventually it would just over power me. My wife and I worked out an emergency method to handle this situation..jump on me and just pour your love out on me by rubbing my chest and telling me its gonna be ok. That works. But sometimes she would get tired or annoyed of it and say u control out yourself. But I can't. If I just let it go..all hell breaks loose. I start yelling at her blaming her for I don't know what, getting mad bout little things. People don't know that people with brain injuries are current from people with broken bones, cuts,etc. They'll see the injuries on the outside. But brain injuries are on the inside. We may look fine but our brains are not. They are scarred. My family doesn't know that.its frustrating when they think theres nothing wrong with me and I'm just trying to get attention. Its even more frustrating for my wife. I feel so angry at my self that it makes me think unthinkable thoughts of myself. i love her so much as well as our kids. But I hate putting them thru this all the time. She should be attending to the kids but she always attending to me. This is just one problem that has risen from tbi. Its devastating my family. I know this is the reason why I will end up losing my family and ending up alone one day. So what im trying to say is...find a way to let each other know that the switch in the brain is about to flip and a quick solution to calm it down. Rubbing the chest and talking about triggers are a good example. So dont lose your family over this frustration. Communicate with each other and just always be there to...for better or worse. I love u lavina. Im sorry for being a burden. but thank u for my care of me for this long. Your husband...shawn. Ps...i love u.

Some of these comments sound like my husband. He had a brain injury back in November and over time his temper got worse. I was the punching bag for all his emotions and later I actually became the physical punching bag. I had to kick him out of the house and that only has made him even more angry and hateful towards me. But I have 2 young kids to protect and I don't want them to have to endure this version of their father. I read all these articles that explain to you why your partner is angry but they never tell you how to handle these intense rages. There is no step by step guide and as partners we are doing our best to deal with everything. We don't always do or say the right thing and when that happens our brain injury survivor brings down the hammer on us. Now he's talking to his family, telling them wild stories about me to get their sympathy. Some of them are things he's made up in his head, some are private matters that are embarrassing to have other people know about. To them all he's the victim and I'm the heartless wife. They are here to see his rages, they don't see the how scary he get, his chest bumping and screaming in your face. I don't know if things will ever be the same again.  

So glad I found this my husband has a TBI from several years ago. We have 5 children ages 15-6 who will no longer speak to him because of his awful personality and mood swings. So difficult to know what to do. I desperately miss who he used to be!

I too have felt the pang of pain left when a loved one's personality changes. My brother has had violent outbursts now for over twenty years. I am blamed for everything and he is constantly angry with me for reasons I do not understand. We used to be so close and I miss the closeness and what we have. I long for this to return but instead I feel the imminent cold shoulder closing in on my whenever I visit home. He lives with my family who compound the issue and make excuses for him all the time due to his head injury. I am pushed away, I feel isolated and alone. It has been so long where I have tried to make bridges and some sort of relationship only to be hurt time and time again. It can be very hard living with a loved one with TBI.

My partner suffered a mild TBI of the frontal lobe 10 months ago and he too has become the incredible hulk and blames me for everything.  Will he ever stop blaming me and be able to talk to me again or is this aggression and blame he afflicts on me going to continue for the rest of our life.