The Unfixable Mess Inside

Rosemary, thank you. I've just found your writings today. Your presence inspires me to take a deep breath. I am so glad that your husband is recouping so well from his injury ... and that your family remains intact and loving. Yes, it is a hard slog for all of us affected by a TBI. I am a survivor -- both of many blows inflicted in childhood, several bashes to the head during adolescence, and a TBI sustained three years ago. I'm in my late 50s and this last injury seemed to be the tipping point. I grieve constantly for the losses that have come -- especially in relation -- my former husband, several friends, and a few relatives. Relations are often strained to the breaking point ... and I know that in some essential ways, I am a different person. TBI in combination with C-PTSD have rendered me into a personality I don't often recognize. Until very recently, I was single, and for a time, after several deaths of loved ones, I leaned heavily on my friends with whom I used to share reciprocal relations -- my three best friends have all detached from me. The grief is overwhelming and I wonder if I will ever return to being the person I was before injury. The loneliness is devastating with brain injury -- there is no escaping it, for the brain, in a sense, is the core of who we are, as well as the organ that regulates all functions and systems. The courage of survivors, caregivers, and loved ones is supreme. Anyone who remains in relation with a survivor is a hero in my opinion. It is so easy to walk or run away. ~ A point of interest: I don't see any articles anywhere that speak to those of us who are essentially alone and must be our own caregivers. This has been my experience for the three years since my injury. Many days I am amazed that I am still here, alive. I will continue to read your thoughts ... they soothe and inspire me. Thank you so much for what you have offered through your experience and your writing. Bless you and your family.

my other half and I were in a HEAD ON ACCIDENT, I had a brain hemorrhage, he had a big bang on the right temple. I made it through with all injuries, broken neck, head, 7 broken ribs, collapsed lung (Im 68) and he had 2 neck operations, and head injury, he's not mentally doing well, he is also a brain tumor survivor. He has TBI, I have PTS, IT IS DIFFICULT, HE IS NOT THE SAME SMART MAN I KNEW, I'm having a hard time understanding, but your words helped, THANK YOU

Thank you for this post. My husband is less than 8 months out from his severe TBI and I can relate to what you say. I try to just put one foot in front of the other and do all I can to aid his recovery one day at a time.

this article explains our situation exactly. Our son was involved in a four wheeler accident where he had hit the side of a pick up truck on Nov.12th 2012 at the time he was 14 years old. This turned our whole family upside down. My son who once enjoyed hunting and fishing and loved to play sports had come to an abrupt halt. My wife is an RN and without any hesitation she quit her job so she was able to stay home to take care of him.I wish I was able to help a lot more than I have. My wife pretty much does it all to keep everything together. She takes our son to school on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays. Then off to therapy on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She is always doing something to enhance the quality of his life. What I am trying to convey is this woman is totally the most caring person that we could ever ask for. She stays home with our son every single day and very rarely complains about anything. To make a long story short, we as a family who has a child with a severe traumatic brain injury takes all of our time and attention for him and very little time for our two daughters or for each other. This is a life changing event that I would never wish on any other family..it will test you and it can do you in if you allow it to. I could go on forever about brain injuries, but it does change you as a person on the inside. We try to let our friends and family know that everything is alright when most of the time that is far from the truth. I am not putting this up here for anyone to feel sorry for us this is our story and I wanted to share it.

I suffered a TBI several years ago and as I pushed forward to recover and be me, both me and my wife concluded the recovery by going together to counseling.  Our counselor asked us both the same question one night, "what is it you hope to achieve through this counseling?"  My response was, "I hope for my wife to recover because she had been through hell dealing with a husband who wasn't the husband she married, and I worried that whereas I may recover and be me again, that she might not."  You see, my wife was a person who needed to be in control and because of that turned away help from others.  This put her into a position she couldn't control and I recognized that she put up the facade.  I did recover, faster than most and to a level that I am more me than I was before, but my wife didn't recover and sadly we are no longer married.  So, yes,  be that person who does not accept that "everything is ok" statement and not only offer help but push them to accept the help because they do need it despite what they say.

such a powerful message and something we need to hear. Thank you.

This brought me to tears.  You just put words to how I'm feeling right now.  Thank you for sharing!  

I enjoy your description of the shiny house being a island, in the middle of chaos. Your feelings are very well put and very well understood by me, the victim of a traumatic brain injury. My prayers for you and your family.

I'm a severe TBI survivor, January 2003.  I found your post touching, you found an eloquent way to share a situation that is all too real.  I thank you for writing it, you have an incredibly perceptive view, I've never met someone who's a caregiver that has had such a clear understanding of our struggle?

Thank you, now I know what to do, even though my TBI survivor doesn't live in my home, he NEVER leaves my mind.

This said it all for me. When I am sweeping the porches, I thought how relaxing this is. I wish it were that easy to sweep tbi away from us. I have been alone in my struggles with my husband being a survivor but I have managed somehow and with my Heavenly Father's help.

Thank you for sharing. I feel each and every emotion and situation you just wrote. The only difference being the injured was my son. He was 15 at the time and didn't want to receive any help or intervention and continually assured me that he was OK and that I was just overreacting. 5 years on I can still see the effects this injury had in him, he still suffers with memory recal lissues and is much more short tempered than he used to be. I feel I'm continually trying to smile on the outside yet I know his issues are going to haunt him but he is now a 20 year old young man and I feel helpless.