Five Reasons I Love My Husband BECAUSE of His TBI

I am a caregiver to my husband since 1997 over 17 years.  His accident included massive damage to left frontal lobe and significant damage to right frontal lobe.  Since 2008 he has been suffering from epilepsy and in 2014 was diagnosed as bipolar as a consequence of the accident.  He is having 2-3 small seizures a day and every night partial complex seizures that we cannot seem to get under control.  he has become a stranger that is bad tempered angry and sometimes very scary to be near.  Although in the early ears I was able to have a loving relationship with him and was very proud  of how he behaved but  life has deteriorated since then.  He has very concrete stuck thinking and is unable to have a reasonable logically conversation.  WI have sought lots of help and have lots of support but ultimately at the age of 61 years I am looking at the rest of my life and thinking do I want this any more and the answer is no.  I keep praying for some kind of miracle for him to have a massive personality change and return to the man I know is there but it just does not happen.  Good luck to other wives caring for  men with a Acquired Brain Injury it is a tough thankless journey.

I love my son. 5 years past TBI initial injury and he is happier more content more forgiving and understanding of others. Wow! loved him before but he doubted self, had depression etc... no longer. I almost feel guilty at being happy about this. I know he is not the same there are somethings I truly miss, but we csannot dwell on that but the good. No matter what we stood with him and I see how all the effort everyone has put into his rehabilitation paid off, and his effort is the biggest reason.

Thank you for sharing the positives that can come from tragic events like TBI.

I am glad that your outcome is of a more positive nature.  However, I can duplicate the comments of 12/16/14 at 3:04 AM.  The women in my TBI caregivers group would most likely also confer.  It is not a matter of adjustment or intelligence.  My husband and I have three Ivy degrees between us and were in high profile careers.  This has been a living nightmare the past eight years. Lest not forget the inclusion of exhaustion and isolation, in addition to the loss of friends and family, because it is not only a physical but non-comprehensible behavioral change for all involved.  Caregivers are also the victims of continuous judgment by friends, (and yes, strangers) and medical personnel. We do our very best.  The best of luck in your life and those of others suffering on both sides.

I have just finished reading your book. I was dissapointed as it didnt offer the hope I had anticipated. It actually scared me more. My husbands journey only began 14 weeks ago. As I read your book I constantly compared our situations and kept saying that her husbands injury must not be as severe as mine because my husband is still no where ready to be released to home. He is combative and displays physical and verbal aggression that is often scary and dangerous. However, I did find comfort in knowing I am not alone even though I feel so alone most of the time. I havent been able to talk about how this truely makes me feel because, like you, I stay busy and not have time to feel. But I saw my own feelings laid out before me on pages of your book. Everything you felt I am feeling now. I do work full time, have part time job, and go to school part time and he had no insurance. I have survived the last 14 weeks with no counseling or medication. I am just "doing".

You are a blessing and an angel sent into my life for all the right reasons.  Thank you for all you share from your experiences and knowledge. 

I would not be who I am today if I had not had my brain injury.... and most of the time I like me! I hear you and your husband say that it has been hard some days... I agree. I have to remember sometimes that it is much better than the alternative...not having survived. Thank you for the reminder!

[re: Dec. 16, 2014 3:04am post]

Thank you for the below comment, and you have my sincere apologies if this post made you feel like you are not patient enough or made you feel guilty or worse off in any way. This is never my intention.

You are right about this: my husband had personality changes that were hard to get used to, but they were not abusive changes, and that has made our journey easier. Yet his accident in 2002 (thirteen years ago) was extremely traumatic, his coma, his physical and cognitive impairments were all severe, and like you, I suffered ambiguous loss. I also had PTSD and came down with shingles. Many of these challenges are discussed in my other posts on BrainLine. With regard to the frustration you talk about : "the routine so necessary to my husband's well being chafes at me"...in this, we are kindred spirits. This is the whole point of my memoir, the daily wearing down of the caregiver and how difficult it is to stay sane. I was in such a serious state of constant stress that I fell apart after two years of strain and worry and exhaustion. I do understand that we are incredibly fortunate that Hugh is doing so well, but no one completely "recovers" from TBI. There are always issues -- he has a seizure disorder. I had hoped to make that point at the end of my post when saying "There’s no good news about going through trauma. It’s messy. It’s hard. It’s brutal — for caregivers and survivors . "

Thank you for writing and speaking out on this important point. I wish you many more good days than bad in 2015, and never meant to cause you any more pain.

Sincerely, Rosemary

I couldn't agree more! I'm 10 years out & relate on all these levels! Thanks for sharing! Merry Christmas! :)

I think it's great that you were fortunate enough to have positive outcomes, I really do. And I admire your optimism and obvious strength. And I understand what you were admirably attempting to achieve by writing it. But I have to be honest and say I resent this article a little, too. Looking for positive outcomes isn't always posssible after a TBI, and portraying dealing with the aftermath of a TBI in a marriage as just a matter of caregiver attitude adjustment is, to me, a bit irresponsible. Your husband may be more compassionate, but mine (and many others with frontal lobe injuries) has lost his ability to empathize, leading to often cruelly cold responses to situations that call for care. He's still affectionate and even loving, but not as great when it comes to emotional suport. Your husband may have been able to focus on "work that matters to us", but mine took years just to get out of denial and enter a vocational rehabilitation. He did, and is now a successful geologist, but please know your husband isn't the norm. Not even close. And people need to know that. We're still, five years later, crawling out of the finanicial morass of "the Accident." TBI often leads to mood swings and decreased (or inappropriately increased) sex drive. Men who never raised their voices suddenly yell or bang their fists on the table at the slightest provocation. These are not the kind of changes in a marriage you can just gloss over and focus on something positive instead. It's hard enough to navigate the treacherous tunnels of learning to love someone who is both the man you fell in love with and not. Not to mention the long-term or permanent physical disability that more often than not accompanies TBI. (In my husband's case, he lost enough vision that he won't ever drive again.) Are there moments of triumph and laughter and renewed joy and yes, for the very, very fortunate like you and I falling even more deeply in love with our husbands? Yes. But there are more moments when I berate myself for not being patient enough, or feel guilty because the routine so necessary to my husband's well being chafes at me. I'm a complex communicator and often feel fruatrated and bereft when my accidental interruptions derail entire conversations or I have to pre-plan options just to know his preferences. At my lowest moments, I feel like even though I love him, I'm just not patient enough or "right" for him. But we keep going. As you and your husbsnd clearly have as well. But reading an article like this isn't helpful. I feel guilty and frustrated and lonely enough without having to wonder if I'm just being negative. Maybe an alternative headline would seem less smug to thise kf who are still in love with our husbands buy still struggling, too.

Thank you for your inputs. I read so many scary negative things and given my wife is only 4 months into her TBI journey, it eases my brain and heart to see this. Also hearing he was hit by a car on his bike rings a bell as my wife was hit crossing a street when she was struck by a car. So much pain, so much anger, so much love for my wife and her strength through this!

Thank you for this fresh perspective. My husband sufferers a severe TBI 2.5 months ago. We are in the throes of recovery with daily ups and downs. To find the good in this helps us cope and look forward to better days. 

You are gifted it sharing and being honest and real. It is inspiring to those of us sharing this TBI journey. There is lots of good, bad and ugly but also hope and love! Thank you

Beautifly written