Forever Seeking "Normal"

Tears flying from my face Ive burst into incontrollable tears,, you just describe what Ive been going through for the past 1&1/2 years! So many Dr. are lack knowledge on TBI not even sure where they came up with some of their firm set beliefs on TBI must be their narrow stubborn minds just set in their ways i guess. You are amazing! Thank you, I am going to reread it over and over and over again,,,,, I AM NOT CRAZY, I DO NOT HAVE CONVERSION DISORDER! YOU JUST COMPLETLY VAILDATED ME! A BILLION THANK YOU!!!!
Jami Bruno

It's almost 2 years since I suffered my ABI caused by a ruptured aneurysm and then a craneotomy and clipping, I had a 11 week stay in hospital which included intensive rehab. When I was discharged I was able to look after my normal day to day functions, but my wife had prepared herself to be my primary caregiver, I do suffer with the feelings of loss and what might have been. I was lucky to have some wonderful outpatient therapists who equipped me with the tools and coping strategies for when things become too difficult. Anger seems to be my emotional nemesis, rearing its ugly head seemingly for the most trivial reason. I've learned to recognize the feeling of it welling up inside me and try to switch it off by stopping what I was doing to cause it and either sit down quietly or do something completely different until the feeling subsides.

After a brain injury you will forever be changed its the learning of accepting those changes that is one of the biggest challenges we have to face. My current mantra is to keep moving ahead at a comfortable pace and if something proves to be too much slow down or stop and try again. After all you survived a brain injury, so what can be harder than that?

Thank you for articulating the feelings that so many of TBI survivors experience. Currently, I am learning to live life with TBI and permanent cognitive impairments from multiple concussions. For myself, I know I will never gain back the capacity I once knew, and that's very difficult to accept, but now I do however have an amazing opportunity to shape and create my new normal. We are successful. We are resilient. All in our own way, all in our own unique recovery. Stay strong, Cath

I had 2 Tbi behind eyes lost all peripheral vision then a big one in back right side of brain. have been working to drive again was doing lessons and on last one got into accident no body hurt just bumps and bruises waiting to see out come in did not see it coming until. last second. I guess I can only pray that I get another chance to do it over. I'm pretty upset about it all I was this close I want to drive safe it may be a while. going back to drawing board. will take my time it's a real pain but I have a good team of support my new wife. and my 2 daughters have really been there for me and countless friends. I will overcome because I am like never give up I'm amazed I can see walk. talk unresentfull almost happy mostly thankful to God for helping me with his strength and peace. to top it off I had heart attack in October. 4 stints later good as new

...I am 4 years out from my TBI from a 350 LB 8' Tall A-Frame sign collapsing & taking me out as it fell, my 3rd severe concussion, PCS for the second time. Yes I survived! I am a different version of me, the amazing magnetic charming outgoing, confident person & personality that I was disappeared that evening. I've spent all of my older adolescence, from 19-37, dealing with intense illnesses, M.S. & Fibromyalgia, chronic pain & discomfort, oddly both 'Invisible' illnesses as well. Possibly preparation to learn to deal with this monster. I am now working hard to Re-Learn how to be an optimistic positive outlook & attitude having person again. Fortunately I am a very Spiritually guided soul & I live by my intuition I have tons of documented Psychic Abilities that I use to get thru, have since I was young, that's my blessing in this because as much of me that changed as in NEARLY EVERYTHING, my core did stay solid & true. The anger that showed up after my accident clouded my perspective for a long time though, I'd not just LOST my ability to be fiercely independent & work hard everyday, play hard, remember hundreds of killer jokes that people knew they could count on me for, I was reliable, to count on my idetic/photographic memory, to carry on 3 separate conversations while cooking a meal, to be confident in any given situation, I was so loved by many people in my life, I was the 'Go-To' Gal for advice on so many subjects, I was involved in my family, had a social life, I was not only independent but self reliant & damn resourceful & creative, I have a book in publishing (still in process from the time if my accident) I'd written 3 others & had begun negotiations for onceracts on 2 of them.... Now I can't focus to write & my once graceful flow is inhibited by a rusty faucet that won't open all the way & there's not therapy or rehab for this one, there's more, & as I said earlier I didn't just Loose these things.... They were TAKEN FROM ME, that's what hatched my anger. I have to recreate my personality, or do I 'Get To'? I have to RE-LEARN how to do life, as if that's not hard enough for us the first time around. My family doesn't know what to do with me, how to talk to me, stay in touch, how to react or treat me so many if them have chosen not to have much to do with me, many friends too. Makes me sad sure, but I am not willing to make things even harder for them by trying to force the issue of my wanting them around & even needing their support, when on their side of this its already so painful to see how much I've changed, how hard all those once "Simple" things are for me now, just to 'Hang-Out' & sit still & B.S. with a group of them, without becoming overwhelmed, over tired & able to communicate clearly. So I have learned & Re-Learned to let go & to even surrender that 'Old Me' & Lean into & uncover & develop the 'New Me' ..... One of a few truths, my pre-TBI lessons, will always be of great relevance in this healing & recovery journey .... *SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL* My hubby chose to stick with me & it's been rough at times, just as he has no real idea how really hard this is for me, I too, haven't a clear idea of his true challenges with me. I am able to care for myself physically, dressing & showering, toileting, mobility for the most part, but a lot of my other skills & abilities are gone, I can't work but i have disability, he spent 16 years with me, the 'Old Me' & now says he still wants to spend the rest if his life with me, this 'New Me' that is still being created. So hell yeah there's a blessing, a forced retirement in my 30's, a forced early mid-life crisis, a forced rebirth.... All that anger & bitterness is going to do is slow us down, on our way to recovery. That old self may or may not come all the way back. I decided a while ago to stop waiting to see what would happen & make my own way, take my healing & recovery into my hands & that's a heavy enough load to carry, leave the anger behind.... As you "Get up & start walking". What bus any way? Probably just a rumor or a guess like when the "Experts" say we won't know how things will go for you until "6-18 -24 months ish" from your injury when your Brain heals.... At least that's what they told us, just wait & see...

My heart is feeling pain now. As the mum of an adult son with an ABI, I read this article and felt encouraged that one day he will stop feeling so angry and be at peace with this altered version of himself. I have and will continue to support him wherever possible and always, always love him no matter what. I do have to be honest though, because I see so many posts where people who have suffered brain injuries claim that people have abandoned them. In some instances I'm sure this is true. I do wonder however, how many have simply become tired, stressed and edgy because, let's face it, even without a brain injury, it's hard to accept people for who they are when they do not accept themselves! The time it takes its going to be different for each BI survivor but please remember that we ourselves have our limits no matter how much love and time we are willing to give. Some .. simply run out of steam. Friendships and family are also lost to those who remain desperately loyal to their loved ones with BI because no-one understands the challenges either face. The emotional process of grief and loss, coupled with trying desperately to adapt, support and be non-reactive to the rage that often accompanies brain injury is all consuming and can feel like a bereavement in itself. I am incredibly lucky and blessed that my son survived and I want to feel this joy but feel hindered. Why, because he himself understandably so, does not feel 'lucky' at all. And why should he? He never asked for and does not accept the change. And there my friends is the conflict. The conflict between the immense gratitude loved ones feel at your survival and how you yourselves feel. The middle ground is very hard to find. For myself I can only say I have and will continue to support him in whatever small way that might be. No matter how angry or horrible he can be to me sometimes because he feels bitter. And mostly always, always love him. No matter what!

Well said :)

I love the part about not waiting for the bus but just start walking. Walking may be the slightest baby step in new thoughts but it is going forward versus stagnating or becoming worse than before injury. Almost 19 years out from a large brain tumor removal with ABI, I totally concur that it is, or CAN be a gift, if you change your perspective from glass half empty to half full. I have my resulting deficits, but God had given me so much before and since then. It is what you make of it.

Purty much suns up the past 6 years fer me. But as you say. Its a unique way to really understand how short life really is. It sets perspective of lifes events which very few will get the opportunity to realize at our increased abilities of emotions. its actually a gift in a philosophical sense. Mortalityx2. ;)

I am an ABI survivor - but hey a brain injury is a brain injury - I loved the blog.  I had never really sought to be normal even before ABI.  My uniqueness and my value comes from all of my experiences - the good, the bad and the indifferent.  As a child I loved Popeye the Sailor and as an adult with ABI I look back at him and can now say "I yam what I yam" and proud of it.