Three Truths

Nicole, thank you for sharing your stories here. (And to all the other writers on BrainLine -- I read everything.)

This post in particular resonated with me. Perhaps it's because that we're almost 3 years on from my wife's accident and I'm finally just now starting to process things...

Let me back up.

My wife suffered a severe TBI (amongst other injuries) from a skydiving accident in 2017. I was first told she would not survive; telling our children this (ages 13 and 10 at the time) was the most difficult and heartbreaking thing I have ever done. She made it through the early critical phase, but I was told she'd be in a vegetative state the rest of her life. She was in a coma for almost two months before she opened her eyes.

That moment marked the long, slow struggle of recovery and rehabilitation. The many difficulties, hardships, and joys are very similar to those shared by other survivors and caregivers. The time since then has been filled almost completely with adjusting to our new schedule and lives.

And there have been a lot of changes. I've had to change jobs/employers, we've moved (internationally), and the kids have (of course) changed schools.

For me, personally, those weren't the big changes. The big changes for me centered on my new role as caregiver. Since the accident, our household is essentially a single-parent household. Whereas before, my wife ran everything. She was super-involved with the kids in and outside of school. She managed all the household finances. I do all of that now, and even after a few years of it, I'm barely keeping my head above water managing it all.

It's so much more that just that, though. My wife is almost like having another teenager in the house. She can manage on her own, but she needs frequent monitoring and guidance (and physical assistance). Not having her as a wife -- a partner -- is... well, it's many things. All of them difficult.

We've been married 23 years. She is no longer the same person I fell in love with and married. She is no longer the same person that the kids grew up calling "Mommy". Sure, everyone changes over the years, but not like this. She still has most of her memories (just not the last 7 years) and her likes and dislikes are largely the same. Her personality is completely different. She has always been a strong-willed force of nature -- not any more. So many other differences now. I still love her very much, but it's a very different love.

And this is all only my perspective. I can only write about what *I* know. My kids and wife have very different challenges, struggles, and difficulties will all this.

It's only recently that I find myself ruminating on how she used to be. I've learned that I can't just crack open the door to those thoughts -- it's more like flinging open the floodgates. The sense of loss, of what might have been, what never will be, the memories of things we did that she doesn't remember or conflates to an entirely different memory... I touch the edge of despair.

I can't say that I really get past it. Not yet, and maybe not ever. I just close the floodgates and continue on. Reading the stories of others here has helped tremendously. The raw, truthful experience and emotion are so much more valuable than the trite, everything-is-happy-and-positive stuff I am frequently sent by well-meaning friends and relatives.

Our lives aren't what they once were, and will never be what we once hoped. We have a good life, though. It's difficult, but we're slowly building towards that "new normal" I've read so much about here.

I am a TBI survivor of a 15 foot fall 4 1/2 years ago. Everything has changed since then. Thank you for sharing the journey you are on.
Archie DuCharme

I get all of this. My husband suffered a TBI after a traumatic work fall in 2015. He's not the same, well, neither of us are. Thank you for putting into words some of the things that have been bouncing around in my head!

Thank you so much for your article. Our son was injured in 1985 at the age of 21. His girlfriend broke up with him, he started drinking and crashed his motorcycle.
He also suffered a severe fall, totally accidental, in 2000 and suffered another severe injury.

I have experienced all that you describe for many years. As we get older I seem to be more accepting. I do still look for ways to improve Greg's life medically and socially.

We have 3 children and Greg is the last one I would have thought would survive and accept this new norm. He was and still is an adrenaline junky. He was and still has a crazy sense of humor. He had and still does have a kind heart.

He also has a brain that has short term memory issues. He has very poor balance, sometimes double vision, he tires quickly, and sometimes can be inappropriate.

He has taught us alot. He is a huge part of our life's journey. It has taken us many years to understand and accept this.

Know you are not alone.

I feel the same way in all of your points. The hurt never goes away even after 11 years with my son's tbi. It's just so cruel for the patient and the family.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. My 21yr old son was involved in a car accident on SuperBowl Sunday 2019 & spent 123 days in the hospital/rehab before finally coming home on June 6th. He came home in a wheelchair, havent not spoken since the accident & unable to move his right arm. Within a month of being home he began to speak & was able to tell me that he couldnt see out of his left eye, which is something that hadnt been diagnosed at rehab, thankfully his condition was completely reversible (terson syndrome) & his vision was restored after surgery. During this time he also began walking again as well as regained the use of his right arm, which is still an ongoing process. As time went on the therapy appts were reduced & I began to have more time to reflect on everything that had happened, something I hadnt really had a chance to do prior. The more I thought about the son I had raised compared to the son I am now raising, the more I cried, which is also something I hadnt allowed myself to do since driving to the hospital after the accident. I have numerous friends who have lost their children in car accidents & the guilt I feel over grieving for my son who is still with me is overwhelming. I resent that after putting my life on hold to raise my children , I'm now having to care for my adult son. He is my youngest so after my girls moved away it was just him & I, & truth be told he was always my favorite, he was just such an easy kid to raise, & was so much like me that we got along wonderfully. We talked about everything & have shared so many unforgettable memories & now it feels like that was all shared with someone else & I miss that other person tremendously. Physically my son is doing great but mentally his memory is almost non existent & it frustrates me to tears that he is unable to remember all the memories we shared. I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life, my father & 2 brothers have died throughout the years, but nothing compares to the loss I feel right now. I kept hoping time would heal but reading your blogs has shown me that it doesnt & that terrifies me because I dont know how I'm going to live with the pain I feel right now for the rest of my life. I know that you're supposed to let go of the past but I dont want to let go of the memories of who my son was & it scares me to death to lose those memories but it tears me up inside to keep remembering.

I get Taylor's side................ :(

Thank you for sharing. It is how I feel (my husband suffered a brain injury in 2012). I know think of him as two different people, the one below and the one after. Both are completely different people.