Grief is most often associated with death. While it is true that the death of a loved one (family member, friend, or pet) and, at times, the death of people we do not know (Sandy Hook Elementary shooting) will catapult us into the grief journey, death is not the only cause of grief. Although death is an important reason, there are other losses in life that we also need to grieve. These too are life-changing and will solicit the same grief responses as death does.
Society has slowly recognized significant life events as also being a source of sorrow and cause for grief. Events such as divorce and separation, transitional losses (moving to a new community or job loss), and developmental losses (children leaving home) are also ways in which we experience feelings of sadness, depression, hopelessness, and sorrow. To heal from these experiences and to move forward in life, we must grieve and mourn.
Furthermore, with the advancement of technology and medicine, people tend to live longer; however, many are compromised with chronic illness, such as diabetes or heart disease. While these are often manageable, it is not unusual to experience some level of loss as a result. It could be that people are no longer able to work in the same capacity, or they may have a substantial change in lifestyle, or the way they view themselves in society becomes grossly skewed, and therefore they begin to grieve. Then we have what I identify as extraordinary grief resulting from a disease such as Alzheimer’s or a catastrophic injury such as a brain injury. This kind of grief is profound. People must grieve who they were, and the family also grieves the person who is no longer there, albeit physically present. Sadly, I think society as a whole is only beginning to understand how profound this type of grief is.
The Complexities of Grief
In 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published a revolutionary model of grief in her book On Death and Dying. These five stages, commonly referred to as DABDA, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The flaw was not in her model. It was in society’s interpretation of it. It was believed that people had to go through all five stages and in the order given, or they were grieving wrong. Let me tell you: the only wrong way to grieve is to not grieve. Prior to Kübler-Ross’ death in 2004, she explained the model was not meant to be a list of “absolutes” that one had to do in any specific order to heal, but that it was a list of potential grief responses a person may experience. I have come to learn, both personally and professionally, that the list of responses is far more expansive. Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s Companioning Model identifies potential grief responses as shock, numbness, disbelief, disorganization, confusion, searching, anxiety, panic, fear, physiological changes, explosive emotions, guilt and regret, loss, emptiness, sadness, relief and release, and finally, reconciliation and healing.
The grief journey is complex. It is a process and not an event. It is not time specific, nor is it orderly and predictable. Moreover, the process is fraught with “crazymaking” stuff. It is a lonely path. It feels like nobody understands what you are going through. That is true. No one can truly understand how another person feels; however, those who have walked this journey never forget what they felt or experienced. They can be a tremendous source of strength and courage to you.
I mentioned earlier that the only wrong way to grieve is not to grieve. In addition to that, it is important to remember that grieving is not the end to the means. It is only the beginning! I say this because grieving is about how we feel on the inside due to what has happened in our life. If one is allowed to truly feel — to grieve, this will lead to mourning. Mourning is the process of taking those feelings from the inside to the outside. It is giving expression to how we feel. This may be done in a variety of ways, such as funerals, talking, writing, art, and music. Wolfelt describes it like this: “Mourning is grief gone public.” The only way to move through or reconcile and mourn feelings of grief is to find a safe and comfortable way to express those feelings. This applies to all types of loss, including those associated with brain injury.
Understanding the grief journey and its connection with brain injury is important for survivors, family members, friends, and professionals alike. It’s important because if you do not acknowledge the losses that arise from having a brain injury, it will be difficult — if not impossible — to move forward in life. This is true for people who are living with the outcome of a brain injury, and it is true for those in relationship with them, including spouse, children, family, and friends. And it is especially true for the professionals involved because it is our responsibility to help facilitate the process of grieving and mourning for these individuals and their families. As stated, the process is chaotic. Add to it that the loss is the “death-like” experience of a person no longer resembling who he or she was prior to being injured, and the crazy-making is exacerbated.
Interference with Grief After Brain Injury
In my work I have discovered several reasons that interfere with the grief journey following a brain injury. They are:
1. Society’s incomplete list of loss and an unrealistic timeline to grieve and mourn.
Society accepts the need to grieve and publicly mourn the physical death of a loved one, but there is little understanding of the need to grieve the “death of a personality” when the person is alive. The person may have physical and/or cognitive limitations; however, those individuals and their family living with such profound change are often left reeling in unfair comments like, “It could have been worse.”
There is no timeline to grieve and mourn. Unfortunately, society operates on the thought that people need only “three days bereavement leave” and/or that in a few months everything and everyone will be back to normal. It doesn’t work that way for both physical and non-physical deaths. Remember this: It isn’t time that heals all, but rather what we do with the time that heals us.
2. There are layers and layers of loss experienced by survivors of brain injury and by each person connected to them.
The layers of loss following a brain injury and the uniqueness in the realm of grieving are overwhelming for many. To adequately grieve these layers of loss, it requires those involved to explore and determine the primary and secondary losses of the brain injury and how this impacts them. This applies to both the survivor and to their loved ones. Once the layers are identified, then people can begin to work through their feelings.
Reflect on the life losses that have you have experienced, including brain injury. Do you feel that you were able to fully acknowledge the grief that resulted from your loss? Do you feel that others understood or supported you in grieving (feeling) and mourning (giving expression to those feelings) following loss?
Loss associated with brain injury could be physical and/or cognitive, but there may also be additional losses in relationships, lifestyle, employment, and in the person’s sense of self. Each loss requires reflection, expression, and acknowledgment before healing and acceptance of a new life can take place.
Janelle Breese Biagioni, RPC, is an author, speaker, and counselor with expertise in grief, loss, life transitions, and brain injury. She resides with her family in Victoria, BC. She is the author of A Change of Mind: One Family’s Journey through Brain Injury and the upcoming book, Life Losses: Healing for a Broken Heart. Visit her website at www.lifelosses.com and follow her blog at www.janellebreese.blogspot.com. She can be contacted at Janelle@lifelosses.com.
Used with permission from Brain Injury Journey magazine, issue #1, Lash & Associates Publishing/Training, Inc.
Comments (36)
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Julia replied on Permalink
I am a 9 year TBI Survivor. At first I fought so hard believing that whatever problems I had I would conquer. I had to learn to walk up right again. I had an accounting degree but I couldn’t figure out the steps of simple math. I could not understand conversations, noise and light sensitivity was overwhelming. How was this possible? One minute I was the assistant to the Director in an Administration level because I was excellent at communication skills, multi-tasking, problem solving, organizing, and a strong motivator. I was lost in a foreign land. I had to leave my job. My friends... they didn’t know what to say, so they went away. I had always been very involved in our community, church, with school. Now leaving my house is difficult. I have become extremely isolated. I was the care taker for one of my parents prior to their passing. I am grateful for that opportunity. Now I am caretaking for my other parent.
My husband is incredible but he is no longer married to the strong spunky woman I was before. I get extremley fatigued. I am blessed with 3 grown kids who are all married and we have 7 grandkids with one great child one the way. I am not and I will never be who I was. I miss me.... but once in while in an unexpected I caught a glimpse of who I was .... and a flicker of Hope rises up within me.... and I smile.
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Olivia replied on Permalink
I am a single mother of 3 boys a 21 year old trying to finish college a 14 year old trying to figure out teens and a 17 year old. That is 6'2 and was w205 pounds now is 167 life changed. For him and for my family May 5 2019 on a visit to his dad's house who he hadn't seen since New Years. My xhusband left a 45c gun with a bullet in the chamber. In my childrens drawer the only dresser drawer they had in the house with their stuff and video games short story version the gun went off in the dresser my son who was 16 at the time was sitting next to it and the bullet flew through the right side of the brain and exited the left side giving him a massive stroke to the right side. My son died that day a part of him did at least and he was reborn he can not walk or talk and is full assist. As i sit here and read all ur comments my heart broke for each person. The ones going through it as well as the ones the ones living with the ones going through it. The pain is unique to each person as are the trials. As I sit here at 420 am waiting for my sons next seizure to come I think about all of what I just read.life is hard I was one of those positive thinkers you all speak of and I still am The doctors told me my son would be a vegetable. He only has a small percentage of his brain working and would never be anything else he would never show emotion or even understand or recognize anyone I said you watch and see this kid will have a come back. Well Im realistic and know he wont ever be the same loving sweet soul that cared about everyone in the world and that would help the elderly put things in the vehicles not because anyone told him to but because he would say we gotta help mom because we can. So now I brought him home Aug 2019 and care 24/7 for him. Change his diapers yes hes 6'1 and 167 pounds. I dress him wash his teeth and do everything for him and I push him and tell him I love him he turned 17 Nov 19. I made him a cake everyone said why he cant eat it I still made it. We all sang to him i blended up a peace with exact strawberries his favorite and I gave it in his tube he was all smiles that day. And laughing everyone freaked out its. Dec almost time for xmas so I decorated his room and put the tree in there I include him in everything dinner time We eat and watch a movie as a family in his room while his tube feed is going. He will forever be included I adjust. To make sure he is we love the beach so im planning a trip to the beach this summer found a chair that can be used on the sand for him. Is it hard HELLLLL YEAH does it break my heart EVERY DAM MINUTE. when I see he is struggling I hug him and tell him we are in this together kid as a family. Your pain is my pain. I cry on my own then I take a deep breath and I say to my self tears and being angry and broken will only hold u down olivia and Romeo needs your strength. So then I will exercise in his room then i give him PT his own exercise and i tell him we gotta get strong. Its hard when family and friends say its ok no its not non of this is ok but its life and all I can do it try to make it the best that I can for him and my other boys and i make sure they know they are loved too and that we are still learning to adapt my heart is broken every day with grief as a mom you never want to see your children suffer much less not be able to do for them selves but I refuse to send my son to a nursing home so long as I live I will carry him and lift him up every day. Life is not promised we all are going to die one day how we choose to live it is up to us my finances. Took a beating this year as did my love life haha its ok we have tomorrow and if it doesn't come at least we did our best today. My pain is real my sow is real my grief is real but so is my love and LOVE IS STRENGTH. Sending you all love and prayers. Just a little light for such a sad and lonely world.
Maree replied on Permalink
So I know nobody will be happy to read my comment, but I am writing it anyway for the sake of your boy, yourself, and your family. I suffered a major stroke when I was 38, and the stupid Emergency Room surgeon must have decided he would get some practice neuro surgery in on me, instead of tellingly my parents (I was not married) that my prognosis was very bleak. and it would be better to let me die. So I survived, not as a vegetable but as a disabled, tired, slow thinking, boring old woman, who nobody wants to be around, and I can look forward to another 20 years residing alone, and being a burden on the few people who chose to "stand by me" for a short time. I regularly wish that I had been allowed to die 27 years ago, and fail to understand why, when my parents would have known that I am NOT the sort of person who could handle this existence, they did not turn off life support. I am certainly NOT grateful for a "second chance at life" It would have been a lot easier to die when I was unconscious in a coma than it will be if I ever manage to qualify for euthanasia, as I am too scared to take my own life. Think about your son. Do you really think he wants to go on existing as he is, not even having the simple pleasure of sitting down to a nice meal, which I do have, at least, not that it gives me pleasure. I do not have children, another thing I missed because of the stroke, but I did have 2 wonderful dogs, both of whom developed distressing health symptoms. I loved my girls so I chose euthanasia for both of them, rather than forcing them to survive in an empty "life". I look back on the last 27 years that I have survived, & there have been no highlights, just the same existence going on and on. I stole years of life from the man who loved me for the 3 wonderful years before the stroke, and stood by me for the next 22. He finally managed to escape me when he was 72, having missed what he would have hoped would be great years, being retired and meeting his grandchildren. He is survivor and there is something about him that draws people to him, so after those 22 years he managed to form a relationship with another woman, who foolishly would not get married, he is now with a second woman who suits him better, so he managed to escape the curse of the stroke. My soul dog, I maimed when, due to my injuries I dropped her on her back, and she had to die, only after 5 miserable years, because I would not let her go. She wanted to die at least 3 years earlier.
Do you really think your son wants to go on existing, as he is doing, your love is not going to be enough to sustain him. He will never have a girlfriend , or his own children, and he will have to "live" with the knowledge of what he will never have. Of course there MIGHT come a break through in finding a means to treat brain injury and your son will be able to benefit from it. But it is equally likely for there to NOT be a breakthrough. I know most people think that life is sacred, and yes it is IF there really IS LIFE, but existence is not LIFE. I don't know if your son is on any life support system, apart from tube feeding, so I do not know what your options are to set him free. Please think about what I have written. You WOULD NOT be giving up on him but would be setting him free. My best to you and your family.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Thank you for this. In 2015 I was a busy mom/worker. I had a sudden hemorrhagic stroke at age 46. Not one person seems to understand why I seem negative or feel sad a lot. I can’t work, can’t do much at home. Hell lose things and forget things dozens/times per day. It is such a huge change to my family. My kids are adults now but were 12 and 14 at the time and did better accepting me then than most do now. It seems like it’s a daily struggle. Amazing how much concentration it can take for me to get things done that I never had to think about at all. If anyone would like to try and form a support group it always helps me to help others and if it hasn’t happened to you there is no way you could understand. Not that I would wish it on another soul! God bless you all! If there is interest in a support network please send me a friend request
Anonymous replied on Permalink
We’re going on thirty one years post head injury for my husband. Our kids were babies then and now they have babies. The survival rate for traumatic brain injury has increased with technological advances in acute care, and with that a greater awareness.This being said, there is still a definite lack of understanding in regards to the many facets of grief. I can remember the day my daughter came home and cried as she told me her teacher had commented to the class how our story was like a fairy tale...her daddy had come home and we were living happily ever after. The world outside our door didn’t see the moment by moment challenges brought on by brain damage from the accident. They thought because he was finally walking and talking all was well. It made it impossible to express griefThe fact that he was living with us and indeed, he was alive, made me feel guilty for grieving...shouldn’t I be grateful he was still here? Yet he wasn’t the same.The man I married was gone. Oh, he still looked a lot like before, but so much of who he had been was gone. I had to learn to love this new man. It has been a journey and every day we are affected by his brain injury. We keep things very simple and structured for my husband and within those parameters he functions quite well. God has blessed us by providing another family who have been on the same journey. We were able to cry together, laugh at times over the ridiculousness of our situations and pray for each other daily. We tried not to complain to each other but we did grieve together as only someone who had lived through it could understand. Our greatest comfort comes from knowing our Heavenly Father is taking care of us and He understands the cries of our hearts. We don’t look too far ahead but know we are given strength for the moment, every day.
SS replied on Permalink
My sister had a TBI in 1994. I grieve daily who she was (my big sissy), and who she could have been. Just what her life and my own would’ve looked liked. It’s a before and after experience. I do love who she is now, but I miss my big sister daily.
Bea replied on Permalink
I understand exactly what you mean. My husband also had a TBI 9 years ago. My children were 18 months and 6 months. He body survived, but his personality was extremely altered. The outside world does not see it. I still go through grief cycles, especially when it gets close to his accident. I have also heard that my situation is a fairytale / miracle. It is so hard being married to a stranger.
Sandra replied on Permalink
First, I want to thank Brainline.org for all of the help and understanding. I continually read on TBI from them and all of the loved ones with it or dealing with a loved one with it.
I would like to understand what it is my adult children think and feel. They tend to shove the subject/problem under the rug. I believe they think I am okay because I am able to do so much more than was expected after my car accident. I arrived at the hospital and was pronounced DOA. My scale (whatever the scale is that determines how bad the injury is I think) well, it was a 3 and the doctors told them it would do no good to operate because I would just be a vegetable and they would have to end up removing me from life support anyway... Now though through the past 11 1/2 yrs I seem to get by pretty well BUT I can tell you that I am certainly not the same person I was. I have really tough times when I have to be around anyone other than my children who are all grown ups now and have families. They are the ones that have had to take care of so many issues and problems I have had since the accident so I know they must feel something is not right and doesn't seem to get better lately - seems only to be worse in so many ways. I could contribute that to not even wanting to walk out of my door but at same time i miss having family and friends around or over but again i honestly get anxiety so extremely bad that I just don't try to get together with anyone and besides that I have had 4 major operations on my spine and I walk over almost as a half of a person and I just cannot get used to going around others like that .... it is my attitude but I cannot seem to find a silver lining in it .... I don't want to be as I am - so much fear, anxiety, PTSD, struggle with how I talk (rather rudely I am told ) to others sometimes and especially my children who have been my entire being since that wreck .... trust me, we have had some rough times over things I have said or done and they don't get it when I try telling them... I think because I do pretty well - really well I would say - I believe they expect more out of me sometimes... I am not the same at all - my entire self has been altered in a negative way ... I know i do try to think more positive but it seems not to be that way to others ... I am always being told I have no empathy and most times i honestly don't feel things the way I once always did but I do feel for others and care very much ... I cry a lot and sometimes it just takes a past thought to get me all torn up inside and cannot control the crying ... I feel very alone and lonesome and I have to talk things out loud to myself a lot to try to figure some things out - most things really - I don't know what all or how to explain what i feel like and how I am so different and how life is like only existing to me and nothing more and that is sad to say - I don't like saying that it is negative but it is how i feel most always .... I could go on & on about so many many ways i have changed but i honestly cannot express this correctly and I need to one day sit down with my children and try to get them to know what and how i am feeling but i still cannot get it out... it's locked all up tight inside of me for some reason .... and it is awful that I am fearful to walk out of my door to go outside - that is so not me... I was a very friendly person and had many friends - or so I thought - funny how this lets you know just who really thinks of you and who doesn't... I can't say that there are very many at all if any that actually reach out to me for anything... I miss my life and yet this one is settling just fine with me because I am getting used to it and just tired always and sort of give up on things changing... I must do something to change myself as best as I am able to .... thanks for listening to me venting and sorry for it and wow, I really have so much I can't get out that I feel I need to but it seems impossible .... but thanks much again, Sandra
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Sandra, I hear you from my heart. I am so sorry you are going through this. My sister had a TBI and i see the frustration from the outside. Thank you for sharing your truth, so that we may understand the internal struggle a bit more. I appreciate you and send you so so so so much love. May your family be more patient and understanding, and may you feel all the support and love you deserve. Maybe you should let them read this to understand more. I thought it was beautiful and heartbreaking and made me truly understand what you are going through. Maybe it will for them too. Remember, someone out in the world is sending you prayers and love. You are amazing. xoxo
zemmi replied on Permalink
thankyou for expressing all that you did Sandra. I can relate to much of it. I think its wonderful that you could put it into words as well as you have here because I know its not easy especially to our loved ones to say how it is for us. All the best to you
Jacob replied on Permalink
Hi, Sandra. You have been through a lot and I applaud you for being strong. You are right about finding out who your friends are and who cares and loves you during difficult times. I lost my husband to TBI on 9/14/18. The accident happened on 8/2418 which happened to be his birthday. I hope that you do get to sit with your family to tell them how you feel. Pray and talk to God. It really helps. Gob bless you. -Jacob
Barbara replied on Permalink
Hi Sandra, thank you for sharing some of your story as it connects to you and your family. My daughter is not doing well and will not speak to many family members whom she has alienated over the past few years. I know she feels much of what you feel, but she will not talk to myself or some other family members; she has changed. Your post has helped me see and understand a little more. What a journey for all concerned. (((HUGS)))
donnie replied on Permalink
I couldnt have said it better myself. Thank you.....
Diana Goggin replied on Permalink
I am a survivor of a TBI two years ago and am still struggling. My family (grown son and daughter) are great to me and help me through my struggles. I can't say the same about the neurosurgeons I had in the hospital who performed the surgery and care afterwards. I lost at least one week or so of my life, as I have no memory of it, and the neurosurgeons had no understanding or patience with me. I kept asking to go home, and they couldn't understand that. They were so upset with me that I never saw them again after they came to my bedside to ask me why I was so insistent on going home. I couldn't tell them why I had behaved that way, but they should have known I was being governed by my brain injury. My last exam, after being discharged, was with the head doctor of the dept. He talked about it, too, and seemed to not care about my feelings. It's something that concerns and bothers me to this day.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
My grandfather had a stroke leaving him unable to speak to us. His personality is the same though and it’s clear he understands us still. He never went back home, he will never walk again or string more than 2 words together. He won’t participate in life with us again. It is so devastating. He was in hospital for 6 months with the stroke and I used to visit him every time I went to work which was a 5 minute walk from his bedside. I’d clean his teeth and shave his face for him, things he used to be able to do himself. It made him happy but it broke my heart. Still heartbroken. He’s with us but it doesn’t feel like it. Having him with us still is nice but it’s also hard because he suffers every day and it’s hard to believe it happened.
Grieving in OH replied on Permalink
Finally, someone who understands the loss and grieving a wife feels when her husband suffers a tramatic brain injury. In our case, my husband had cardiac bypass surgery in 2012. At that time, he suffered 2 frontal lobe strokes-one on the left and one on the right. So doctors saved his heart but I lost the person I knew. He went into surgery as one person and came out another. The stroke affected what they call his Executive Function, logic, reasoning, judgment, personality, initiation, motivation, impulse control, short term memory, and ability to carry on a conversation. Thankfully he still has movement of legs and arms. I've been through all the grieving stages mentioned in this article. During all this, the comment that angers me the most is when someone says "it could be worse" or "at least he's alive." I KNOW THAT! But the grieving is still there. Only those who have been through the "loss" of someone through a traumatic brain injury or dementia truly understand. I even had a cousin say, "Well you should be over it, it's been 4 years! (I also lost my mother who had dementia 2 months prior to my husband's heart surgery. I grieved the loss of the mother I knew long before she passed.) I've now accepted what is due to my love for my husband, my own strength, research, online forums, counseling, and a caregiver support group. It does take a village. Thank you so much for your article.
Leigh replied on Permalink
Thank you for contributing to this, it resonates enormously with me. My husband was assaulted 4 year's ago when he was hit over the head from behind, for a cellphone and a wallet. Life has not been the same since. He is not the same and we are not the same. He has a front left lobe injury which has affected his executive functioning and he struggles with things that were always easy. I don't feel that anyone truly understands the impact this has had on his and our lives, I feel like I lost the husband I knew and my children have lost the father they adored - the sparkle has gone out of his eyes and his wonderful sense of humour no longer exists. Although we are 4 years down the line it hasn't got easier and at times I'm not sure I can do this. Which I feel really bad about. Wondering if you ever feel that way.
Nicole replied on Permalink
This is one of the most powerful articles I've read on grief and brain injury. Thanks for sharing it Brainline. You are the very best at helping others understand us, and us understand ourselves.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Our baby boy at 3 years old when he became ill and got encephalitis. We don't know how or why but 5 months of being in a hospital last year they told us he sustained a traumatic brain injury. He will never get better, walk, talk, or eat again. We slowly saw him disappear. As a mother I cried so much and I cannot explain the anger I felt. At god, at myself, at family, even sometimes I felt angry like "come on son." As if he could change it or will it to be different. I believed the doctors when they said he didn't have much time... I broke. We went through so much with our son and watched him suffer but I feel like I can not and will not bear to lose him. To lose him would mean my world is over. I'm glad he's still here. 2 years later. I stopped questioning why and just love him everyday. I know being positive can only last for so long for the journey does get weary. The care he needs exhausts me and we cannot find good help that he needs like from us as his parents. I often refused to remember my baby running playing and talking to me. I'm just grateful at least I have those memories. For me it was just adjusting to this new person. And to look past all those expectations I had for him. I love him and some days it feels like it's not enough but oh well, there's always a new day to try and pick up the love.
zemmi replied on Permalink
my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to see your much loved son go through all that, and you along side him. You are such a strong person with a deep understanding of Love. Encephalitis is a cruel thief. many people don't know much about it. I got it at age 46. I went from being a healthy, confident, independent person to now not able to work and constantly so fatigued its hard to do much at all. I hardly recognise myself these days.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
It has been 8 years since my son's accident leaving him with a severe TBI. He is in a nursing home for life. Every day is a struggle to keep my chin up and be positive for his sake. But inside I am destroyed. He has died, but he has not died. It is this limbo that keeps fueling the sorrow. My heart goes out to all families in this position. Only you understand. After so much time, the friends and family members who were by your side are done with it all. But it is my child. I will never be done with it. I pray every day that he dies before I do because no one will care about him like I do. The nursing home sees to his needs but no one there cares. It's not their child. Children expect to see their parents in a nursing home, not the other way around. It is beyond sad. It is beyond grief. As a mother, it's the worst pain to be put through day after day after day. Each day brings sadness and grief.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
I'm so sorry to hear of what happened to your son. I came upon this page because my brother, in his 40's, suffered a massive stroke a few months ago. He has had a number of setbacks, and it is heartwrenching to see. As you said, "He has died, but he has not died." It is so hard to know what to do with this kind of pain and grief. There is no "closure" to it. My parents are in their mid-70's and it breaks my heart to see them caring for him every day in the hospital, trimming his nails and cutting his hair...knowing that he will never be able to return the favor for them. It's so unfair. His young son will never have the privilege again of playing catch and hockey with his dad. Yet he is still physically present, so somehow you feel that you need to be positive--that you're not allowed to "grieve." My heart goes out to you.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Our adult, married daughter suffered a cardiac arrest which resulted in an anoxic brain injury.. The worst kind. She is the mother of three girls, aged 19, 14 & 8, and was off and with her spouse. But she had graduated with her RN the evening before making this all the more difficult. She is profoundly brain damaged, globally, every part of her brain. I went to court and got legal guardianship due to the uncertain nature of her marriage and unreliability of her spouse. But it has been devastating to myself, her dad and her 3 sisters as she is incontinent, cannot walk and appears to be as good as she will get basically. I will be bringing her to my home soon with additional outside care and she will never go to her spouse, his expectations are unreasonable that she will be a mate and or mom again. My grief is also profound, I have lost my child but cannot bury her. I also know that a day will come when I will have to ask for a third party guardian and placement for her as I will no longer be able to care for her. The well intentioned ppl who assigned miracle recovery to God wear me out, it is not going to happen. For her injury those first 5 mos were our measuring stick. I cry daily.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
We have just passed the 10 year point since our daughter's car accident and several of the comments here describe our experience and feelings exactly. I have never failed to be glad that she survived the accident, albeit with cognitive and physical disabilities. I don't know what she would have been doing now but her younger sister and brother now have their own homes and one has a baby and the other has a baby on the way, so that is probably what she would be doing alongside a career I can no longer imagine. I always feel so guilty thinking of my own loss when she has lost so much - she was 22 when she had her accident. But here, amongst those who know I feel I can admit that I grieve for - the loss of her company, her old voice, easy visits where I didn't become a carer, some more grandchildren that I now won't have, sharing craft activities, meeting her partners - it just goes on and on. I also dread losing her before I die and her managing without us if she doesn't die first. I am sick of the 'positive thinkers' who think all I have to do is see the 'half full glass'!! Let's just acknowledge the pain and then deal with it, like this article suggests.
Well that's off my chest - sorry.
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SS replied on Permalink
I think you have an incredible amount of strength!
Jen replied on Permalink
Good on you and thank you for sharing.
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SS replied on Permalink
I guess it’s called an ambiguous loss. You can’t fully grieve, but yet you are. It
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