Have you heard that the divorce rate after brain injury is really high? Have you read that the divorce rate for couples after brain injury is higher than the divorce rate for the general population? If you are a spouse or survivor of brain injury, you may be wondering whether your marriage is at risk.
Media reports suggest that as many as one half of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce. In fact, recent census data indicates that nearly half of all marriages will end in divorce. Believing that the divorce rate after brain injury is higher than the general divorce rate could be very frightening.
Research has given a mixed picture of divorce rates after brain injury. In the 1970s, researchers began to study post-injury divorce rates and found that 40% of couples were either separated or divorced seven years after injury. A review of studies published after 1980 shows alarmingly high post-injury divorce rates ranging from 48% to 78%.
There is little doubt that brain injury can strain marriages. Spouses often take on many of the injured person’s responsibilities, though they may have little experience with their new responsibilities. Unemployment rates after brain injury are relatively high and many insurance companies do not cover the costs of therapy, adding to financial stresses. Brain injury often brings on drastic personality changes which may include irritability, depression, limited awareness of injury-related changes, and argumentativeness. Some spouses have reported, “I’m married, but have no husband” and/or “I’m married to a stranger.”
Knowing the importance of marriage and the need to provide families with valid information, Traumatic Brain Injury Model System (TBIMS) researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) looked more closely at research on marriage after brain injury. They found that many of the earlier studies were carried out in Europe where the social and legal system is different than the United States. Furthermore, many of the studies relied on small sample sizes which may not accurately reflect the larger population.
In 2007, Virginia Commonwealth University TBI Model Systems researchers published one of the first comprehensive investigations of marriage after brain injury. The researchers gathered information from 120 people with mild, moderate, and severe injuries who were married at the time of their injury. Survivors three to eight years post-injury, averaging 41 years of age, were asked about their marital status. Results showed that 3 out of 4 (90/120) remained married at the time of follow-up.
As a result of their research, the VCU investigators became concerned that past studies may have produced misleading negative information. In their published research paper, the authors stated, “The present investigation does not [support] the notion that divorce rates for persons with brain injury are higher than those for the general population.”
In 2008, VCU investigators led a multicenter research team which investigated marital stability after brain injury. Information on marital status was collected at 16 NIDRR-funded TBI Model Systems around the country. This study was the largest scale study on marriage after brain injury to date and included 977 persons from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. The research team found that 85% of survivors remained married for at least two years post injury.
In summary, recent research suggests the rate of divorce after brain injury may, in fact, be much lower than divorce rates for the general population. The news is encouraging. While some spouses report more stresses and marital troubles post-injury, some report connecting with each other in new, positive ways as they face injury-related challenges together.
Marriage is clearly an important part of our culture and a major element of many people’s lives. Still, more research is needed to better understand how injury affects marriages and what can be done to preserve and enrich relationships. First, we need to better understand how the quality of relationships is affected in good and bad ways. Second, we must develop strategies to strengthen marriages so that both partners describe the relationship as positive and fulfilling. There is good reason to be hopeful.
Here are more findings:
- 17% of survivors were divorced and 8% were separated, an overall
- marital breakdown rate of 25%
- male and female survivors had similar marital breakdown rates the more serious the injury, the greater likelihood of divorce; for example, on average, people who were divorced had been unconscious three times as long as people who were still married
- age mattered; people who were older at the time of injury were much more likely to stay
- married; no participant 60 years old or older was separated or divorced
- length of marriage was important; people who had been married for longer periods of time before the injury were more likely to stay married after the injury; none of the couples married 30 years or more before the injury got separated or divorced.
Other important study results:
- only 15% of subjects were separated or divorced
- age was a very important predictor of marital stability with older persons less likely to divorce
- male survivors were more likely to have an unstable marriage (i.e. to be separated or divorced) than female survivors
- cause of injury was an important factor; persons who were injured as a result of violence were less likely to be married at follow-up
- for minority group members, persons with more severe injuries were more likely to remain married
References
- Arango, J., Ketchum, J., Dezfulian, T., Kreutzer, J., O’Neil-Pirozzi, Hammond, F., & Jha, A. (2008). Predictors of marital stability two years following brain injury. Brain Injury, 22(7-8), 565-574.
- Kreutzer, J., Marwitz, J., Hsu, N., Williams, J., & Riddick, A. (2007). Marital stability after brain injury: An investigation and analysis. NeuroRehabilitation, 22(1), 53-59.
This article was written by the staff of the Virginia Commonwealth Traumatic Brain Injury Model System. Article used with permission. Updated September 2010.
Comments (219)
Please remember, we are not able to give medical or legal advice. If you have medical concerns, please consult your doctor. All posted comments are the views and opinions of the poster only.
Cheryl replied on Permalink
These stories are so heartbreaking! My husband had a stroke 2-21-21 I am having so many of the same issues and after 40 years of marriage we are very close to divorce. I do not think he is capable of taking care of himself but I cannot seem to get through to him. He also accuses me of things I have not done and it is absolutely draining after working all day to come home to a fight every night because he wants to drink. He does not help out at the house and sits on his IPAD all day long. After reading everything above it seems like the answer is pretty clear on what needs to happen. I would never in my life leave someone that needs help and I love him very much but he is not the same person and makes it extremely difficult to stay.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Hi,
I suffered from a TBI about 2 years ago. I have a Master's degree in Marketing however I am still not working. I live with the guy that used to be my husband. But he hasn't touched me in years. I asked why not and he told me where the vibrator was. This is very confusing to me because I'm gorgeous and fit. I thought the reason he was cheating was because I gained weight so I lost it all and he's still not interested. So I asked my mom to help me pay for the divorce. She said she would after my little sister's wedding.
So now I'm working on writing a book about TBIs and marriage. And I'm not worried about anything else. I'm sure I'll get 50% custody of our daughters and find a honest man once I'm divorced.
nic replied on Permalink
I had a massive stroke in Sept 2022 at 49 years old, brain surgery and thankfully walked out of hospital with no lasting physical damage. My husband of 26 years (54) walked out on me 3 months later. His behaviour sounds similar to the stories shared here of people with strokes, but I was the one who had the brain injury! His personality completely changed and he has become angry, cold and very distant. I have now filed for divorce but he won't sign the papers, but says he doesn't love me or want to reconcile. My kids and I have been left stunned by his behaviour. He was a kind and gentle man before my stroke
ihatestrokes91 replied on Permalink
im 32 he is 54 he had a stroke n brain bleed n now a tbi. he is no longer my husband. has family is in denial n telling him he is fine. so now he is uncontrollable in everything rehab. to rx doses to reality
he is so abusive n lashes out on me but its fucking fine in front of his family
n rehab .
I dont know what to do he yo yos my heart i love you and I want a divorce every hour
my heart loves him n want to be married but my head is done.
of course im codependent. n im working on it but this shit is so much n tramatic
I needed advice from someone somewhere who has lived it
all I hear is my Dr. n therapist. social workers friends ect saying fucking him dump him fuck his family he was lucky to have me i did my all n best n leave
but no!!!!
So confused replied on Permalink
I am new to the site. I think I will bookmark this site to read and remind myself I am not alone. My husband had a massive left frontal lobe stroke less than 6 months ago. He spent almost two months in the hospital. ICU, inpatient hospital and then intensive inpatient rehab. He was in a medical induced coma for over a week because of the bleed on his brain wouldn't stop. I prayed and prayed and for him to come back to me. We had been together for 17 years. He is 11 years older than I am. His children were all grown. I had 3 little ones when we met (my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive). My husband was knight in shinning armour. He was perfectly made just for me. When We first met, I was already 34, we hated it took so long for us to meet. Like we wouldn't have enough time together. He was my giant, my protector, my best friend. I'm only 5'4, and he was 6'2. I loved how he would have to bend down to hug or kiss me. I know I'm just rattling on and on. It feels good to talk about our before relationship. 2 weeks before the stroke we were discussing getting a condo with only 2 rooms, limited visitors (as he would say). My kids were graduating from school and we were getting ready to start our life. Then the stroke occurred. My prayers were answered. He woke up. He came home. But he never really came home. I lost him. This strange person that inhabits his body is not the man I fell in love with. In fact, he's not a person that I would have ever even dated. I constantly wait on him every day and all day. I work from home, so I am literally with him all day. There is no affection, limited conversation. I try to be uplifting, encouraging, try to appeal to his emotions and then I just get upset and try to make him see what is doing and saying is wrong. It doesn't matter what the approach I use, he may or may not respond. If he does he's rude, uncaring, He always looks sad or mad. There is no intimacy at all. He doesn't even like me to see him dressing or undressing. No more showers together. I would give anything to feel him rub my back or my arm, lean over and give me a kiss or just randomly hug me. Very few moments I see little flashes of his old self. But it's not often. I have never felt so lonely and depressed and just sad. I try to keep it together in front of others, but deep down I am dying on the inside. I miss someone saying I love you. He will say it if I ask him several times to say it. But it's not often. I have to live with the fact that he may never call me by my name again. I don't know if he can't say it, don't remember it or just doesn't want to say it. I've searched everywhere trying to see when and if he is ever going to come back. After reading these posts on here, I just feel so heart broken, my worst fears have been confirmed. I'm so lost as to what to do now. I don't love this man that came home. I don't even like him. And I hate myself more for feeling like this. Knowing that I am not the only person going through this nightmare is a little comforting to know that it's not just me. I know it's long winded. But thank you guys so much for letting me vent.
joinedtheclub3 replied on Permalink
me too 3 months out n exactly the same
how do we leave how?
Bob S replied on Permalink
There is little doubt that brain injury can strain marriages? Who wrote this? Did they actually analyze couples after a brain injury... I was asked to leave by the local police 24 months after my brain injury and divorced not much later. Reason? I came out of time out too soon... Within 5 days of leaving the hospital, I was left alone with the children because my wife couldn't tolerate being around me... (There were other people around) My marriage was destined to fail so article has never seen a brain injury person and there spouse up close...
RH replied on Permalink
Well where do I start.
Two years ago my husband suffered a traumatic TBI and is still in a rehab facility. He requires 24/7 supervision and has many cognitive and physical impairments. His left side was severely impacted and has frontal lobe damage.
For the last two years I have been beside him every day while working full time to keep our household running.
Before my husbands accident, he was abusive. Physically and emotionally. To be honest, I didnt realize how bad it was until about a year after his accident and I started getting flashbacks of things that I had just blanked out of my memory.
His parents are pushing for him to come home, (we have two small children) and I am terrified. All of his doctors and care providers are advising against it.
He is quick to anger even more now and has short term memory loss. Most things he can only remember for a couple of minutes.
Im lost, and really dont know why I am typing in here..just hoping for some advice I guess.
April replied on Permalink
How are you doing now? My husband was financially and verbally abusive before his TMI now he is even worse, It's unbearable it hurts so much. Our kids are in college so I'm alone with him. Wish he had stayed at rehab, because now he is not getting help he needs. And I have become captive by him and his mood swings. He is always mad and hates me. This has been the worst month of my life. Hope you are doing better.
Sue replied on Permalink
Omg you are not alone! My husband was verbally and mentally abusive before his accident. Not to mention a narcissist but now it’s worse. He blames me for everything and it’s been 7 months since he’s been home from his accident and I want out! When he woke up from his sedation he treated me life crap! Accused me with doctors, his friends and brother, called me horrible names and I honestly want him out! He is functional and back at work, which I am happy that he survived but it’s been so strenuous on me and our children. You are not alone!
Any replied on Permalink
My husband had a work accident in January and the same story, he was verbally and mentally abused, even with our son. However, he was no longer allowing more abuse, but after his BTI he went back to being like before and maybe worse. He behaves like a demanding and capricious teenager. But I try to avoid it as much as possible. I have distanced myself from him and although we live together we hardly even talk. I dedicate myself to my work and the most important thing is my son. And he should continue with his life.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Hi! My husband had a brain bleed 1 yr and 5 days after we were married. I'm 35 he's 45. We got clean together 2 years prior. I was in school he worked. He blew off Christmas, valentines day, new years and my bday. Then our 1 yr anniversary. I was already done. Within 2 weeks of stroke, I thought I was gunna be a widow. Went through EVERY emotion while he was hospitalized. Found out he was in fact working like he had claimed but NOT ON THE CLOCK for all these holidays and weekends. He was released a month later. We lost our home and everything in it. I was not financially stable to support even myself and he refused to let me file for assistance.
So I sent him to live with his family in another state 9hrs away. This was in April this year.
I was homeless with my dog in the jeep he was financing. I make the payments 400 a month.
Now I have a job, the jeep still, my dog saved my life as I wanted to kill myself so many times. But I also have heavy guilt because marriage is for sickness and health. It's irrational guilt and he agrees. He isn't himself and never will be again.
I'm glad I sent him now. He has a life and a couple friends. He's still clean and puts wood in chipper all day. It's simple but works. And he is finally seeing a doctor this Monday. I still cry everyday. I miss the man that died April 25th. But I have the opportunity to grieve and heal from it all without having the issues you have daily. You all are my heros cuz I don't think I would be able to do it.
You have to do what is best for you. And your kids. If not, u may have guilt for not leaving. Which is rational guilt. I walked, and have irrational guilt. Good luck honey.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Hi i dont know where to start. so my husband and i been together for 23 years,married 10 and have 3 children together. only 2 weeks ago my husband went on a stag doo to ibiza and slipped in the hotel and banged his head . He has 2 fractures in his skull and had bleeding in his brain we we are waiting for another scan . His mood since we arrived home has changed so bad. hes barely speaking to me he’s mentioned for the past 3 days now he wants a divorce and hates me. This is just like a whole new person im heartbroken. i dont kmow what to do. Has anyone had similar of this and made a full recovery from it ?
Lucy replied on Permalink
How are you doing now? I am in same boat. He's been home a month and hates me.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Hello, I am sorry to hear about your difficult time. Keep everything in the proper perspective. If your husband had not been injured he would not be behaving this way.
My wife fell off a horse on a gravel packed road in 09. She suffered a TBI, permanent damage to the front lobe, personality change, inappropriate behavior ect...
They have rehab centers for this which I was unaware of therefore never had that opportunity. I'm sure this could help you folks. We have been married for 35 years now and own a business together. I live next door to her and spend many nights at her place. I have my own place due to her behavior towards me. I understand and have been living through the same situation as you. It's definitely a difficult situation. We stay married at this time because I think it's the right thing for her but sometimes I wonder if it's just me holding on to our history. Everyone is different and has their own thoughts of what to do in their situations. So just know there are many people going through the same ordeal. Just keep in mind ... the most important thing for all of us is peace of mind. We can't be helpful to anyone if we don't have it. Good luck and best wishes to the both of you ...
anonymous replied on Permalink
Where does one start? My husband had not 1 but 2 strokes about 5 yrs ago, which in turn took out his right side! He has extreme aprexia and aphysia and speech is limited! He was in rehab for close to 1yr at different places. He gained some mobilty but not alot. I looked after him for a yr while working full time & part time to support household and our adult son (in university). While home and even now the relationship has been extremely draining and exhausting. I feel I have no life, no friends,. I've tried to include husband in everything I was doing, but he no longer wants to do anything, he is always depressed and wishes he was better! He made me feel quilty for wanting to have some form of a life! anyway he is now in a long term care facility because I just couldn't look after him and every day along with the house, etc. I sold our home shortly after he moved into facility and paid off all out bills. This has releved some stress but my life has been in limbo!! I visit husband every weekend, but it's been so draining. he complains, and is depressed and doesn't want to do anything. Anyhow, since our son is still a dependent financially the government give us a break, but soon out son wont be in university and costs to have husband in facility will double. I've had to step up and earn extra to help us have a so called normal life and it's tiring! Anyway as a result of the financial piece and the I have no husband (friend) piece so I decided to seek a divorce which my husband has agreed to. I feel so guilty!! wasn't sure how to tell our adult son, but I did explaining some of the reasons and in the end he got mad and told me I gave up on his dad and how could I. Then stormed out of room. I'm so stressed and upset because of his reaction. He was crying and I gave him hug and just kinda told him, it's been 5 yrs and his dad is no better and Im not going to loose hope and that its not his fault and life has not been kind to us. He lost his dad, I lost my husband, friend, etc. Anyway he hasn't really wanted to talk to me! which I understand! I just worry about him because he keeps his feelings in! He doesnt like to dwell on things and get his feelings out. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated?
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Thank you all for sharing. I thought I was alone in this nightmare but see I am not. My husband had a massive hemorrhagic stroke 14 years ago. He came home a completely different person, had no memory of our 8 year old daughter, was angry and violent and has put in little effort since initial psh to improve or be present. He never hugs or touches me which sometimes causes my heart to hurt tremendously. He also has significant executive function and word finding issues so conversation is almost nonexistent. My daughter, now 22,
is devastated that she cannot remember the father that idolized her and is beyond heart-broken that they no longer have a connection.
I never thought it would get to this point but I feel that if I don’t leave I will die from anxiety, loneliness and heartbreak. But how do you leave if he is not capable of being on his own. I have been doing this with little to no family for so long. There is no one else that can step in. What do I do???
Paggi Lancon replied on Permalink
I completely understand and sympathize for your situation. My husband and I were in a boating accident 20 years ago, resulting in the TBI he sustained and I suffered major physical injuries which have caused me lasting issues. We were only married 15 years prior to this life changing accident. He had a portion of his right temporal lobe removed due to severe hemorrhaging. The TBI changed his personality completely and I've tolerated verbal,mental, emotional, and psychological abuse for 20 years. He's a complete stranger who constantly tells me he despises me, there's been no intimacy, and I have never felt so lonely and miserable in my life. I lost my Pop last month and all my siblings have families, but I needed a soft place to fall and needed comfort so badly. I have stayed with him 20 years because he was an intelligent, ambitious, gentle, and loving man. Our life was wonderful, he was an RN, but chose to work as a pharmaceutical rep for a well known company. I taught school and we enjoyed life together and neither of us has ever been happier. The accident changed our lives forever. He has private sitters who he loves dearly. I assumed all responsibilities for both of us and managed to continue for 20 years.
I recently made a decision to leave and will not change my mind. I do everything for him that sitters have no clue as to all the issues that must be addressed from ordering prescriptions at Mail Order Pharmacy to paying insurance, contacting all agencies who provide medical equipment, sitters that are paid by me, etc. I don't want to obtain coping strategies or join a support group! I want to leave this hell behind me and seek peace, happiness, and enjoy laughter again for whatever time I have left. My only regret is not leaving sooner. I know if I stay I will die here, so I would encourage you to follow your heart and don't waste as much time as I have. Good luck and wishing you courage and strength in your journey! Believe me, there will be help for him somehow. It's the caregivers that are the true victims and the only help offered to us is coping strategies. I'm uncertain of your specific situation but if I have to file for divorce, I will but I don't want any of the money or house. He can have it all!
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Something is wrong with this study and the learning outcomes. "...only 15% of subjects were separated or divorced" doesn't make sense. TRUST ME. I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS FIRSTHAND.
If the average marriage failure rate is 50%, and the failure rate among TBI victims is 15%, this might imply that TBI is the solution to failed/failing marriages. What else out there is so successful at saving 35% of marriages that would have failed?
There is no way TBI is causing marriages to succeed at such a high rate, and I'm sure Dr. Kreutzer is not going to make that argument. However, his articulation of this statistic without better addressing it's shortcomings is irresponsible.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Thank you everyone for your comments. I was feeling hopeless, tired, and confused.
My BF and I been together for 13 years. He had a brain aneurysm last year on my birthday (At the time I was 38 and he was 43) His recovery has been great. The doctors say he is a miracle. We were lucky to live close to the fire department and hospital, which they said made a big difference (my dad had passed from a brain aneurysm as well in 2020) of his outcome. They said he would've wake up for a couple months but after 3 days he woke up, he was talking a little bit and his memory was still there. But as time went his memory got worse and he just stopped talking, words here and there but one-word responses (mind you this was through FaceTime, due to COVID we were not allowed in ICU). Anyways, fast forward through the whole horrible hospital and rehabilitation experience. He came home after a month and a half; he progressed a lot in rehab but he wasn’t eating so I was fighting for him to come home. He used to weigh 154ish ... when he came home, he was 107. Now he is up to 143 and looking healthy and being more active.
Sorry I am digressing from my story. Now a year has gone by and my life is on repeat. He has short term memory and sometimes he remembers things from months ago, weeks, days … and it is frustrating because he doesn’t want to do his memory exercises or any physical exercises, for that matter. I try to play chess, scrabble, cards, and crossword games with him but he refuses most of the time. Like most, I am still working full time, taking care of the home, and the kids. I am always exhausted. I tell him to do things and he forgets, for example, I asked him to close up the windows and turn on the alarm. He would go downstairs and come back up confused and asks me why he was downstairs (mind you, he would go for a long period of time). I would tell him and he would go down and turn on the alarm. I didn’t check on him but the next morning as I am coming downstairs, the windows are all wide open and the patio door too, with the alarm on! OMG, this frightened me a lot, something could’ve happened to us! I try not to check on him and give him the freedom he needs, per the doctor. But I have to check on him because if I don’t, that example would happen. I have to constantly repeat myself when I assign him a task. I tell him to use his phone to keep reminders and notes or use Alexa for reminders as well, but he refuses or I guess forgets? I love this man to death, as you all feel for your partner, he is the perfect man just made for me. He loves me just as much but I am exhausted and need him to put more effort. I don’t know what to do, I am starting to feel unhappy and I know he is a shell of who he used to be but I see some of him there and it breaks my heart that lack of effort from him in getting better and his lack of self-care.
I apologize I am all over the place. I just felt defeated this morning from last night’s incident. I am glad I found this site. I know I am not alone and I should be more grateful as my situation is minimal to others (I know it’s not a comparison, every situation is different) but this definitely helped and I don’t feel so alone or as down on myself. I cried to the comments because it is all relatable, we all suffer as a caregivers, we give our 150% and that is all we can do. But we also should be mindful that they are suffering too. I will nurse him back to life and the rest is up to him but I’ll be by his side, as long as he lets me.
I wish you all the best!
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Reading these comments is a reality check. I feel very helpless and guilty atm. About to separate from my husband of 13 years who had a severe head injury back in 1983. It is deteriorating severely and his behaviors have affected our family and marriage greatly. He keeps saying he will try change but doesn't. I am exhausted doing everything and getting nothing back and no support. He cant work or take control of household stuff. I'm feeling guilty for giving up but I have no life anymore. We have no friends, he has no interests just sleeps and gets annoyed when I voice my feelings. I'm so over this life with head injury.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
I think you need to save yourself, he has completely stolen your existence and has made no attempt to improve his outcomes, (this as somebody living with a brain injury myself) cut and run would be my advice, life it too short to spend it with such a selfish and self obsessed individual.
Jbase replied on Permalink
My heart goes out to all caregivers and stroke survivors. I have been taking care of my husband for 15 years since he suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke. He has significant executive function and word-finding deficits and is an entirely different person that no longer treats me as his wife. Many of you have decided to leave, but how do I do that when he cannot function on his own? I thought I could go the distance but am so lost, sad and lonely.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
I have read most of these comments and it hurt my soul. I've been in a bad dream every since 2011. This is the year my husband had a stroke. I lost the man I loved that day. He is physically fine, but I don't know him. He acts like he hate me, he said he hasn't changed and I need to stop making him somebody he is not. I don't know this man, most of the time I don't like this man. Everyday it gets worse! I love him with all my heart, but I'm starting to resent him because he is so nasty to me. He will get mad and blame me for everything that is wrong. It's hard to talk to anybody because they don't understand. My mom said it's my husband , he has been through a lot and I need to understand! she is not dealing with the hell I go through every day. Reading these comments tears rolling done my face, because I know how they feel. I feel I'm losing my mind. I try not to say anything, because he get really angry. He has told me he doesn't have any feelings, when I look into his eyes all I see is darkness. Sometimes he can be nice but all that changes within an hour. Anytime I talk about my pain, it make him mad. I wish there was a support group for us. Our home burned in May of 2021, that made it 10 times worse. I have thought about divorce many times, but I've been with this man since I was 19 yrs. old. I pray everyday that he will come back to me, but I think the man I love will never come back.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
My husband had a stroke,too, at the end of January. He’s not the same either. Look into his eyes it seems nobody’s home. He’s very demanding, yells mostly, watches TV constantly and just wants chocolate milkshakes.
It’s like something dark took over. If I try to read the Bible he leaves the room quickly. If I try to talk to him about Scriptures or God he gets visibly angry.
I would love to have someone else in this similar situation to talk to.
LizaRocha replied on Permalink
OMG I totally understand where you're coming from my husband had a brain tumor that was bleeding and they perform surgery to remove it but now he has a very bad attitude and is very grumpy all the time always arguing over whatever he could argue about and I'm wondering if this how it's going to be from here on out.?
Melissa replied on Permalink
It's ok to leave. It is ok to prioritize yourself. I know it is hard and a lot of guilt comes with it, but it is still ok. You can still be friends or in contact but also build a different life.
OutdoorGirl replied on Permalink
I completely understand your feelings. Like you I met my husband very young. We dated in high school and early college, married in the late 80’s, had kids, they moved on, and were working on our retirement dreams when he suffered a traumatic brain injury. After surgeries and rehabilitation, he became a very angry resentful person. I thought it was just the feelings of having to start a new job and not doing what he loved but soon found that it was me. He too said he had no feelings. Said he did not know what he wanted anymore. His friends noticed a difference in him and his lack of sense of humor and jovial personality he had before. After a bad experience with his first counselor he refused to return to him or to a different counselor. He eventually moved out of our home and now we are going through a divorce. I am crushed. I have spent 2/3’s of my life with this man and I feel like I am starting over without him. I don’t know when it started to change for him for certain or exactly what I did to cause him to hate me so much he would rather live without me. I miss the man I married immensely but there’s nothing I can do because he refuses to get help. I worry everyday he’s going to isolate himself to the extent that his whole family will be walled off and he do something devastating. So unfair!
Anonoymous replied on Permalink
My husband was my everything until his stroke 7 years ago. I was convinced he would recover and be the same husband I had before the stroke. I finally realise it won’t happen and I have lost all the things that I loved about him. I love him but I don’t like him. I now make all plans and decisions and I feel that the husband I had went away and this person took his place. He was once confident, strong and cared for my well being and wonderful to be with. I felt so safe and protected. He was the most amazing husband and I was so proud of him and I miss us so desperately. My heart is broken as I want him back so much. I remember how I used to feel and I am not the same person anymore because I lost him. He insists he is the same but I don’t understand this.
Sometimes I think if he had a heart attack or cancer and survived at least he would still be him. It is so hard to accept and I’ve realised now that I never will, simply because I miss my husband and the way life was. The twinkle in his eyes seems to have gone and the facial expressions I used to love and his body language has changed.
I long to see those things again.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
I feel so overwhelmed already. My husband had a brain bleed that lead to a seizure and a long coma. When he woke, he was on a vent and unable to speak or move. I was so happy he woke up, I thought my prayers were answered. He went through a month of intense rehab, physical, occupational and speech then came home. He has been home for a month and needs 24 hour care due physical and mental conditions. He seems to be living in the 80s and most of his recent memories are locked away from his memory. He always said his dad was just here, he passed away 26 years ago. He asks to go home, we are at home. I prayed to get him back, I got a shell back. I cry everyday, I don't think I can do this. We've been together 30 years, I feel like a widow. I get angry when he says ready to go home every 15 minutes, I repeat the answer over and over... Gets so frustrating then I feel guilty.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
I know a couple that were separated and he had decided to get a divorce. For months he was working through the loss he was feeling over his decision (that he said was years overdue) as that meant more stress for the children. But staying he said was awful for them too and moving on they might get to see what a good marriage could be someday. many of us have been there and could agree with him. Eventually he came to terms with this and even met another young lady and was rebuilding a happier existence.
The sad part is he hadn't done the paperwork, he consulted an attorney but with children it was going to be expensive. He was building his bank account so he could afford it. He wouldn't take a loan from family. Since he did not changes his "next" of kin, now that he was in an accident and his wife stepped in and has shut all of his family and friends out. She took all his things from his house, emptied his bank account and no one that was on "his" side is allowed to see him.
The situation is very new but this article and many like do not give me hope that he won't be in a situation he can't leave. It seems from what I read the stress with make it worse for him. My fear is that he won't get the help he needs and she'll put him in an intuition.
An attorney has said this does happens and there is nothing his family can do His kids are all minors and she's his "next of kin", its all so depressing.
What happens to people like this? How can the law not at least consider the situation and let his family in?
Katie Barko replied on Permalink
Not sure how to process this.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
After reading all of these comments I feel so bad for my husband. I had a TBI, brain tumor 18 years ago. In my support groups I heard that the person with the brain damage is the last one to figure that out. It was true with me. I kept trying to get and keep jobs but couldn't. My little sister stepped in and got me on disability. I feel so bad for my husband, even more now. I tell him its okay if he wants a divorce. I understand. I wish I would have died many times on the operating table so he could have gone on with his life. He has told me and many others that he has had to fall in love with a completely different person. He is so good to me and refuses to leave. Our grown children put up with it. I know it hurts them too. It hurts me to see how much I have hurt everyone I love. I'd kill myself but I know how hurtful that is to the people you leave behind. My little sister's first husband did that as an alcoholic. Believe me, I wish I was the same. I am constantly grieving the loss of myself, and the pain I have caused those I love. We have now been married 37 years. I feel so lucky to have him in my life.
Since I cannot work however, he thinks I should have some responsibility. I am expected to keep the bills done, the housework done, but I continue to fail. I am being treated for depression, but it really doesn't seem to help.
I wish I would die quit often, but I get an MRI every year and there hasn't been any regrowth. I should be happy about that but deep inside I think it would benefit my entire family with some relief if I were to die.
I'm really sorry for caregivers who have to put up with violence. Luckily I haven't had that problem.
I wish I could offer you help, but I cannot. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
I've paid a lot of attention to marriages and I've noticed that none of them run right. I'm a woman so I hear all my friends complain about their husbands. My husband fell from a grain bin. I like having him around. Our children also like having him around. Kids seem to possess a need to know where they came from lol like they want to make sure that they weren't hatched from an egg. This need grows bigger the older they get. Our eldest who is 27 is tracing my husband's family history. Sometimes he's moody but who ain't? He's forgotten stuff but doesn't everybody?...I forgot to pay a bill the other day. I'd be lonely if he were gone. I could probably get back out there and date but truthfully I don't feel like it because I feel comfortable with where I'm at so maybe your husband and kids are too.
Danielle replied on Permalink
Girl, what about our losses though.. I had a car roll-over with an impact to the head. People like us for the way others speak about us instead of the heroes we are make us feel like we were better off dying on an operating table or a road statistic dead and buried. All these carers stories really don't matter tbh it's our story that live this and these feelings of no hope because of hatred instead of kindness.
I continue to fail also my husband thinks "I'm fine" but I'm not. My family would also benefit.
Carly replied on Permalink
I got hurt at work which resulted in a mild TBI. This happened the year after we were married. It’s been a hard journey, to say the least. I live with pain every day of my life, not only do I not know what is the exact pinpointed reason why I have shooting pain in my back and legs but I feel dizzy and tho still conscious my eyesight gets blacked out too. My leg has been numb for months now and waiting for another EMG to be done at the end of the month. My doctor mentioned it could be a result of nerves not only if in my body but messed up nerves in my brain. I refuse to give in to that theory as I am scared of where my imagination will take me. I haven’t worked since and now am waiting to be told I’ve been declined for disability but the state I live in did approve me for state assistance but that’s exhausted now. I’m asking if anyone feels normal relativity and could help me know what to ask the doctors to look for. It’s hard getting no concrete answers but would love to know what’s wrong. If anyone could give me any advice it would be highly appreciated please email me. Danielle.carly -at- yahoo. I’d love some guidance and what I need to be looking for to find out why after my slip and fall at work why I am in pain with no broken bones nerves messed up and not feeling the best mentally. I’m scared of being denied for disability as well as I can not go back to work obviously physically with the chronic pain I’m in but also my small blackouts and fuzzy memory. I would not wish how I feel on anyone ever, not even someone I dislike with my whole being. Someone please I’d really like some help
Trish replied on Permalink
..perispinal etanercept... a doctor in Florida now has helped a lot of people. Google perispinal etanercept for stroke or brain injury's. It sca shot in the neck while titled head down? It has unclouded many peoples brains instantly in lots of people to regain loss of speech, limbs, pain , walking etc etc . Google doctor in Florida has lots of videos of ppl taking shots.. I would cry this. It's been in CNN too. Good luck.. ask your doctor..
DS replied on Permalink
A two year study result is pretty useless imo. I would like to see the numbers at 3-10 years post injury of a spouse! Has anyone found credible info like this?
Michelle replied on Permalink
My husband suffered a TBI as a teenager before I met him. We have been married for 23 years with 3 kids and he is a wonderful, kind man! The strange thing that I recognized this past year with the pandemic is he struggles with empathy and I wonder if it’s due to his brain injury? I needed a lot of emotional comfort during 2020 (as I’m sure many of you did) and he was not able to offer it and I realized that he has always struggled in that area. All he could say to me was “it could be a lot worse.” We are now looking into marriage therapy which he is open to and I’m hoping that can help up with our communication skills.
Mike Thomas replied on Permalink
I am a TBI survivor and I have to take medication to control emotions and what you are indicating is just that he cant feel the same as others as our brain does not understand how to relate. I take Nuedexta I had to have a short test to prove I had the condition and its only a few questions they ask of him one being how often does he have cry spells laughter bursts for no reason and yes the cry for anything. Things such as that and they grade the points and he does or doesn't have the condition. I call it my cry baby pills they work 100% and no side effects at all.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
I see that the low number of those who remained married was only after two years. I remained married for almost 5 and my "Ex" husband became more of a monster than he was in the beginning. My Ex had frontal lobe damage, among other damages, but his personality totally changed. I don't know where these people got those who participated in their study, but it wasn't any of the TBI families I've known. It's so sad, I didn't just lose my husband, we lost our business, home, marriage and my kids lost their dad. He's never been the same. From what I understand, he wishes to be left alone, and not bothered by anyone.
outdoorgirl replied on Permalink
This is exactly my situation.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
Dear Anonymous,
Your situation sounds painfully familiar. My husband was involved in a hit and run accident in 2008. The result is permanent severe traumatic frontal lobe damage among other things. I stay married for 5 years after the TBI. The family turmoil confusion and pain left me numb. I moved away to the other side of town. We are divorced, but I feel more like a widow. I carry guilt about leaving him everyday. We are still friends, on a bumpy roller coaster ride which is exhausting. I lost my husband, our home, my kids lost their dad So in a way it feels we lost our past, present, and future. He also wants to be left alone. The ripple effect has been a disaster especially on my youngest son. I am his caregiver now, but living apart from him. Very sad. I can't go back and I can't go on. I pray for my kids to find their way. Life happens.
johntillo replied on Permalink
I had a slip and fall almost 5 months ago and have been having ongoing neck, shoulder and back pain, I have burning in my neck shoulder and arms with swelling, red rash, numbness and tingling in my arms and hands off and on and my neck gets stiff and hard to turn my head and neck, trouble swallowing, I can’t stand to bend my head to my chest, should I be worried?
Anonymous replied on Permalink
The news that people stay married is not encouraging for the caregiver. I love my husband but he is a shell of himself. I am still working full time, doing all of the house work, we have lost all of our friends. I love him but I do not like him. I resent him. And Everytime I consider divorce, for my own mental health, I am guilted by family members, or by friends, or...told by lawyers I would have to give this man half of my salary for the rest of my life. We have been married 7 years. Five and a half if those years he has had this brain injury.
I considered suicide, many times. I honestly don't know why I am still alive. I don't want to be. I hate my marriage. I hate my life. I love him but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
So yes, to the injured , this is hopeful. For caregivers it is proof, yet again, that we don't matter. That we deserve to be gaslighted by our brain injured spouse. We deserve to have to do all of the house work, make all of the money, pay all of the bills, be alone. Completely alone.
So go ahead and claim this is encouraging but maybe also work on finding out how to support caregivers. We are people too.
Barbara replied on Permalink
This is exactly my situation. My husband has SBI . I feel exactly like you. Its not his injury its actually ours because I feel my life has been more affected than his. Yet made to feel guilty about wanting to leave. Im exhausted from arguing everyday and being gaslighted by him. Stay strong. Im doing my best to. Love and light to all the carers and spouses doing the hard work with no recognition.
Anonymous replied on Permalink
I agree with you 100%. I am alone whether I am home or out with friends. It's a catch-22, a no win whether you stay or leave. I did divorce my husband and left physically, but not emotionally or mentally. It's stressful whether you stay or leave. We as caregivers are not appreciate. We are overworked, misunderstood,ALONE and live with false hope if any hope at all. TBI is permanent and leads to more and more health problems and questionable behavior. It's an inevitable downhill slide. I am not a pessimist but a realist. I am a caregiver to my ex-husband now (why?} (guilt) not knowing how long this will continue. I've learned to be alone, not expect anything from him, and lost the desire to pursue a future with another. In order to keep peace I've lost myself. Thank God for my church where I find some joy. Signed, Lost, Lonely, and Tired
Brian M. replied on Permalink
I am so sorry to hear about the things you have experienced. I had a stroke going on 3 years ago now. After a 34 year marriage and 3 weeks of the hospital, my wife announced she was going to divorce me to our 21-year-old son. After all, things looked pretty bad. I couldn't sit upright in bed by myself without falling over, the left side of my face was sagging badly, my left arm and leg didn't work so I couldn't walk. I had minor cognitive issues and couldn't read for some time. Fast forward to now, I am divorced, walk with a limp, type one-handed, and made a lifetime of money in the market since COVID19. I am dating a fantastic woman that lost her husband to ALS after 7 years of caring for him. In that time as a caregiver, she had to find outside comfort from another to continue to care for her much loved husband. The story is to say there are many twists and turns in a person's life, where unexpected things occur and develop that my offer happiness as long as life continues. Pray for God's grace and search for an acceptable change. You just don't know! God bless and I wish all of you well
Natasha Moore replied on Permalink
Brian can you please help me with some advice? My husband had a stroke 5 years ago today. That was 2 months before our wedding day. Right after our marriage he changed. He was physically ok. I never had to take care of him, but mentally and emotionally he is damaged goods. He isolates himself, stopped communicating, he's always in pain in his back and legs. I thought it was sciatic nerve damage, but after research I just found out an hour ago about this drastic personality change. He just told me today that he's no longer in love with me, he's unhappy, and he wants out. Well there's one problem. I have nowhere to go. I have been a great wife to him and was a great girlfriend for 10 years before marrying him. We were so in love before the stroke. Please help me because I am lost!!
Kellie replied on Permalink
Hi a last I've found someone who can relate to what I'm going through. My partner suffered a cardiac arrest at aged 34... We were also 7months pregnant with our first baby.... Both very happy and engaged.... This happened and myself n his best friend were with him... His best friend did cpr ASAP and saved his life. It was so awful for me to see him like this and then told he prob won't make it and if he does he will be brain damaged. Long story short he suffered, we had our son 2 months after. When our son was 2 I found out we were having another child. I then descovered he had had an affair with a friend... We split up and I was devasted. We had a year apart and I decided we had to much to lose, so we got back together... It was hard but great at first... But then he changed, was snappy and just not his usual loving happy self.... After a year, he said he wasn't happy and left!!! I'm so lost right now and can't understand why he would do this to me and his own kids.... He's moved in with someone new after 6 months of knowing her and lives with her teenage girls... Hardly sees our 5 and 7 year old. I'm just left shocked, hurt and very lonely and sad. He was my soul mate before the cardiac arrest and now I feel he's a stranger..
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